My Mental Space

So the topic of age came up on Bluesky a few minutes ago and it got me thinking about the effect it has on others’ outlooks and aspirations. Some folks welcome it because it’s just a natural part of life, while others dread it for one reason or another. Loss of youth, be it energy or perspective, loss of opportunities, even confusion about the world around us. It’s not easy growing up, growing older. You may be comfortable in your 20 or 30 year old skin, but what about 40, 50? In my case, I’m fine with almost being 45, but at the same time there’s a feeling that I got on with life late, that I was held back(this is a future subject to get into), and that I’m working to make up for lost time now. It makes things fun because I’m experiencing a lot of new feelings and ideas and experiences in a short time, but there’s also a sense of urgency. Hearing about folks losing their lives at a “young” age makes a guy like me feel nervous, like “what if I’m next?” It’s a paranoia but it’s also an awareness. That’s another reason I’m trying to get these ideas out of my head and into script. I want to share what I’m feeling, and I want to let folks know they’re not alone. When you get to a certain age, there’s a focus on things that should matter and I know I’m zeroing in on them especially. A steady job and income, a house I can call mine, a stable relationship, and experiencing the world beyond my everyday territory. A close friend mentioned me visiting Seattle, and the thought has me all jazzed. I would love to go there again. I want to go to California, Toronto, Japan, the UK, Germany… I have sights to experience and people to see. That all takes money. A house takes money. I’ve never worked a really long-lasting job in my life because they never seemed to fit me, or I never seemed to fit them, plus there were things I needed to handle in my life that never allowed me to be picky and choosy about what direction I took. Now I’m feeling the need to be more conscientious about that because I can’t keep doing throwaway jobs that don’t pay enough, don’t give me enough hours, and so on.

To give a little background on things in my life, if you’re just getting to know me and my life in general, most of my adult life has been spent living with my parents with the goal of placation. For many years, I didn’t have the right of free will, it was a luxury I partook in when I got out of the house and did things that I enjoyed, mostly visiting friends and going to conventions. My parents, particularly my dad, were always afraid I’d get out and get in trouble and do things they wouldn’t approve of or get into a situation I couldn’t get out of. I actually left home for a month in 2001, and they believed I was taken against my will. Mind you, I was 20 years old, and I made the choice. In 2009, I nearly left home again to move in with friends in WI, and to this day, I wonder what life would have been like had I not gone back home after being made to feel guilty for my choice, not that I want to choose a different path now that I’m with the most important person in my life. I just wonder if I would have been more successful, had an easier time, and been more confident in myself. But we’ll never know, for the simple fact that I am here, in the now, in the moment.

People like to talk, people like to write things, about the different age groups, the different divisions, such as Gen X, Millenials, Z, and let’s not forget the Greatest Generation. Technically, I’m a Millenial, but I’m so dang close to being an X’er too. It’s no secret that each generation has their good and bad points, though I won’t try delving into them because I’m not as well-informed as others on the subject, and even the well-informed work with opinions rather than facts more than not, the most common one being that each generation sees the next as lazy or backward, and the feeling is usually mutual as well. The common factor in everything though is age, and with age comes lived experience, live knowledge. You ever wonder how much personal experience is lost when someone passes on? Those unique lived experiences that could teach others how to be or to not be. Probably one of the biggest reasons this technology-driven age is so important is that we can pass on our knowledge for free. Not all knowledge is good knowledge, of course, and sometimes you can know too much, but still, it’s better to know things that we’d otherwise have missed because we didn’t have the means to learn about it.

As for me in this moment, I decided to take my time and write about the subject of age because a furry picture inspired me to do so. Back years ago, mature folks weren’t the commonality in the fandom, but in the last 10 years, there’s been an explosion of the intermingling of age groups, and it’s my personal belief that it’s happened because there are many furs like me that have been growing older and have come to realize that youth isn’t forever, and with this progression of age comes looking back and thinking about things, considering their roots, and wanting to take advantage of the time they have in the time that is now. Others, also like me, delve into various fantasies based in the desire to have had an elder to look up to and learn about themselves and life from. A fact that’s been pointed out repeatedly is a lack of elders, in the fandom and in the gay lifestyle(because we all know furry is rooted in many variations of sexuality and relationships), the reason being the AIDS epidemic that we’re finally making strides in for a cure, or at the least much more manageable. Many folks have died over the last 40-ish years, and 9 out of 10 were LGBTQ, the majority being men especially in the first few years. Just imagine if those folks hadn’t passed on from the disease. Think of the leaders, think of the elders, think of how different our rights situation could have been, think of the positives that weren’t meant to be. Fact is, we don’t know just how those factors would have turned out, but if AIDS hadn’t happened, just imagine the difference it would have made. The point to this tangent, is that the current round of LGBTQ folks in their teens and twenties need elders to talk and look up to. Right now, my generation, folks my age, older than, and less than, have a chance to be able to steady to the boat and chart a course to the future. We are the present, they are the future. Don’t take the chance for granted.

In closing, I just have this to say. Live your life the way you can be the most proud of, from the humble everyday goings-on to the inspiring and meaningful. Don’t let others steer your course, that is your task and your joy to have in life.

And then Pandora throws me a line that fits all too well though I was over the song years ago. “We’ve come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby. I have to praise you like I should.”