My Mental Space

(It’s a little crowded in here!)

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An almost 45 left-bent progressive-minded fella who happens to be a wolf in his spare time, likes to read and write, enjoys music, technology, and losing himself in projects.

  • 2026 Outlook, Part 3

    This might end up being a long post, but it’s something that’s been forming in my mind the last couple of days because of how my brain has played out, processing everything. So here I go, listening to 80’s music and up past my bedtime for the second night in a row, though certainly not as bad as last night/this morning. Heh.

    Let’s start with this weekend, and blend it all together. There was a convention in town, and I admit I wasn’t sure what to expect because cons for me used to be much different than they are now. Used to, the fandom was much smaller, and a lot more close-knit, not unlike a small town where folks just generally knew everyone to a degree. I made this comparison to describe it to John. Back in the 2000s, you could walk around a con and you’d constantly run into people who were known in general or folks that you knew from just being present online. This was in the days of LiveJournal and before the time of Twitter. These days, you could call it a big city atmosphere. There are a LOT more people present, and it’s less of a know-everyone environment, but more of a find-your-tribe/pack/circle deal. Depending on the con, this can work well. It’s certainly a factor in your chosen community, if you’re fortunate and flexible to be able to do that. For the majority, you have to work with what cards you’re given. I say all of this because this past weekend, I realized a simple truth – a circle joined by circumstances is not necessarily your circle. John introduced me to a great group of people of great diversity, and it’s enjoyable to hear of their ventures and experiences in their lives, but I realized that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a puzzle piece that fits in the overall picture. They live interesting lives, have hobbies and interests, they have income, they have lived experiences unique to them. With some consideration, my interests don’t generally mesh with theirs. They’re generally not gamers, not collectors, not car enthusiasts, and not folks dealing with complicated mental situations. We’re all unique geeks, but rather than join by virtue of like-mindedness, I ended up with them by virtue of who I know, by osmosis. They’re not a found family, but more like semi-distant relatives. I spent a lot of my time listening while poking at my phone rather than actively joining in as a result, especially on the last day. That, on top of the fact I missed out on the con in places while trying to fit in, left me feeling somewhat empty.

    And if that isn’t enough, I was feeling frustrated that I didn’t have any real money to spend at the con and buy things that caught my eye. I was also exhausted a lot of the time as well, despite sleeping really well (at least, I think I did). Topping it off though, John was leaving Monday morning for a family trip, which meant I would be alone with my feelings for however long it took me to get over them. I wasn’t looking forward to the coming days.

    Monday came, John got on his flight, and me and a friend I had brought went back to Lansing to take them back home. We spent the day together, which I was very glad for. Circumstances kept them from experiencing the con in a proper way, between anxiety and me being their “support animal” in my mind, but we made the most of Monday. We hung out, browsed, talked, until I dropped them off at the end and headed back home. I got to bed early that night if I recall right. Tuesday came and I kept feeling lower as the day went on. With some help from John, I was able to get ahold of my therapist and laid it all out for her. She’s a Godsend, to be frank, because she had the right words, understood the situation, and put things in focus in ways I needed to hear and understand.

    In a nutshell, I’ve grown aware of myself and my needs on a greater level. A lot of what I’ve already shared makes up a good part of it, a sense of wanting to belong and wanting to have friends that fit my needs, ideas, and values. Those feelings stretch further though, especially into the category of employment and how I’ve been living my life the last 5 years. One way to describe things that I’ve been toying with is simply this – I’m having a puberty process involving those needs and values. I’m learning what it means to have real friends, a real job, and real responsibility, and if they don’t fit the structure I’ve built for myself, there are obviously going to be issues. I need friends that I can relate to, I need a job that I can feel emotionally rewarded in and not just work for a paycheck (it might not make sense to some folks, but for me, my sense of service and wanting to be useful comes first and a paycheck comes second), and I need goals & focuses that aren’t just thrust onto me, but mindfully chosen and pursued for the greater good and growth.

    I’ve always lived my life for the sake of others and the comfort of their needs. That plays into my values, but the value itself will take on new meaning from here on out. I’ve chosen others over myself in the past and it left me with regrets and unanswered questions of what could have been. My mentality has always been on survival of some sort. When mom passed and I was left with the house and the bills and the responsibilities overall, I wasn’t ready. I only did what I assumed was best for the sake of survival. Better paying jobs that were full time and readily available, even if they weren’t in my interests, for example. I fought the odds as much as I could until I got the house in my name and could refinance. I made it to that point in ’23, in the midst of a struggle to keep it together personally. Debts were paid and I was free of that pressure, but I was drowning in stress from work, so I made choices I would come to regret, again for the sake of survival. I put myself back into debt in due time by buying things to prop myself up and feel better. It didn’t last, I was still living alone, and I was still taking psychic damage from the job situation. I was calling in constantly, I was using FMLA, I was avoiding one kind of stress and causing another along with compounding guilt in multiple ways.

    ’25 came, and with it the breaking point. I quit my job I should have left long before but stubbornly kept trying to exist in. From that point on, I’ve been trying my best to rebuild myself and my life. Choices like moving in with John, prepping the house to sell, trying my hand at different jobs, all once again for the sake of survival. I’ve had a lot of support along the way from John and close friends and my therapist. Eventually though, I’ve come to realize that rebuilding my life couldn’t be done by keeping old pieces, habits, instincts. I want to move on from what got me to this point and exemplify my Fresh Start phrase.

    Yesterday was one year from when I left my job in Lansing and inadvertently started the process of my Fresh Start. This week, the house will finally be listed and John will be home. I need to properly renew my search for a job. I need to stop putting off the choice of community college. I’m going to appreciate my friends in a deeper way from this point on. I have to be grounded and mindful in my priorities and my choices. I have to foster growth, belief, and trust in myself, or else it’ll just be more mindless survival.

    I actually compared survival to a job, it’s the only one I’ve not quit yet, and I’ve had it for years. Monday, I’m done. I can do so much better for myself, and I will.

  • Today’s Prompt

    Daily writing prompt
    What is your favorite drink?
    View all responses

    This is an easy answer for me and one I was contemplating because of the weekend and such.

    Mountain Dew has never had a bad flavor in my opinion. I try special flavors anytime I see them, no matter what, because it’s Mountain Dew and I want to experience what they came out with. My fixation has been Baja Midnight from Taco Bell. Being purple, I assume it’s a grape drink, and being completely honest, I loathe grape stuff. I like wines, and I like grapes themselves, but grape pop is soooo not tasty. I also got to try one other flavor while at an IHOP/Applebee’s in downtown Detroit, a dark green Mountain Dew that was originally pictured blue. So good! Friends joked it looked radioactive.

    Like I mentioned in my other prompt answer, food and drink is meant to bring us happiness, no matter the form. Some folks like it healthy, some like it deep-fried, some like it a little of both (deep-fried sushi? Big time weakness). Never be ashamed to be happy.

  • Happiness in a dollar sign

    Happiness in a dollar sign

    As I wind down tonight, I find myself compelled to write a short-ish entry rather than change my address or apply to the local community college like I should be doing, all because I have this phrase I have stuck in my brain that I used earlier.

    “I buy things to show that I matter to me.”

    It’s one thing to buy for others or have things bought for you, but buying for the sake of showing love to yourself… it’s not a unique idea, and yet it’s still a surprising thought process. There are plenty of ways to tell yourself you love you, and I’m quickly reminded of my former therapist’s use of the 5 Love Languages as well when talking about this subject: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Being truthful in light of this, I haven’t been using words of affirmation in the last hour because of the subject matter and the feeling of shame that came from wanting to buy a particular something in this case – I’m looking at the new Apple Watches again. I have a Series 8 and had an original Ultra that I sold and sometimes wish I hadn’t. Being a little more honest, the shame was brought on by my partner’s questioning of the point of doing so. He doesn’t really wear watches and he tends to be unenthusiastic about current tech until he needs to replace what he has, not feeling the need to indulge in it for himself, so his lack of enthusiasm about the subject + my annoying desire for validation = a reaction of feeling shame. I plan to discuss this with him after showing him this post, because there’s no need to sneak around and say things about him when I can simply be honest. I would be right now, but with him sleeping for the moment, that’s kind of difficult.

    Having been dealing with shopping addiction for the last 5-ish years plus, one could say that even plays a role in how I’m feeling. I’ve been in a dark place where I would buy stuff to make myself happy when in a dark place of its own, hence why I have crippling debt and emotional baggage. So how does one work with a situation like this, where I know how to make myself happy and want to show myself that I matter to myself when I feel like I don’t matter (or maybe I just want something, period), but could easily bring myself to a low point because of the act of spending money or making promises to pay money for the sake of the emotional high of owning something shiny and new? One possible result is an act of defiance, doing something because you have the freedom to do so, consequences and possible regrets be damned. Another possibility at times is holding back because of the shame and risking resentment for the sake of keeping up appearances. The third is one that probably won’t completely happen in this case, but deciding to be healthy and holding back for a more appropriate time combined with positivity and encouragement and praise for the choice. The outcome I most desire is the understanding for my choice and getting affirmation to make that choice, even if not completely understandable by another party involved.

    Sometimes reason and being pragmatic about the whims of mental health is a waste of effort because the brain doesn’t care about what anyone thinks it should feel, it just feels what comes to mind. Sometimes you have to strong-arm it into cooperation, but more often than not, you have to compromise and find a happy medium to coexist with yourself, just like just about everything else in life. Same as it ever was, you could say. Sometimes it doesn’t give us the results we desire the most, but you end up in a place that you can say “That’ll do”.

    And that’s what I’m saying for this post. That’ll do.

  • 2026 Outlook, Part 2

    2026 Outlook, Part 2

    So this week I started a new job, at a car wash of all things, in the dead of winter when everyone’s trying to wash the salt and grime off their cars in the Midwest, and so far, it’s been going fine. I actually got out early today because of how nasty the cold is and how stacked we were when I went in for training this morning.

    As my previous post suggested, I’m at Michigan Central just typing away on my keyboard and enjoying the quiet time. While I’m here, of course I’m thinking about what to write about, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t shared my academic research into places to learn at and what to learn at such places. I’ve had automotive repair in the forefront of my mind of course, but there’s one other I haven’t forgotten, and that’s being a mental health counselor/therapist. Me and my therapist got to talking about some of the details of that, and I need to go back and do some screenshots of our discussion as the idea still lingers in my head, mainly because I have an insightful, empathetic way about me, and one of the reasons I started this blog was to try and help out others who struggle with various mental impasses and questions, or just to make others thing about things in general. That being said, I’m going to see an academic advisor on Monday before I go to work to consider these avenues.

    Having been thinking about such things and going to talk to advisors and counselors has been a part of the process of looking into going back to school again. I’ve visited Oakland Community College in the last week or so, I’ve seen two of their main campuses, and it’s gotten me further in the mindset that I can and need to do better for myself. I want to make time for bettering my life and earning more money in ways that benefit myself and others. One of my goals in life is to be able to make a difference in some folks’ lives, and in these cases, if I can repair their car properly and keep them safe or talk to them about trauma and difficulties they’ve had in life, I feel I’m doing a good job being a human being. As we’ve all seen these days, being one is a difficult task sometimes, what with all that’s going on. There are some great folks out there who are making a difference in the world though, and I want to help.

    That said, I’ve been trying to decide when the time would be best for me to start such an endeavor. If I go with cars, I’m thinking the summer session would be a great time to start. Learning to be a therapist, on the other hand, is something I need to look into and consider with a bit more purpose, as it involves the mental nature of folks and considering their health above all else, and it takes a special sort of person to be able to handle such things. I have to know “I’m ready” before I delve into that field. There’s a certain fragility that comes with the task, both for the therapist and the one in therapy as well.

    As someone who has a hard time making up his mind with decisions, this is definitely something I’ll need to discuss with John in our free time and see what he thinks about it. I know he supports me in what I do, and I know he’ll have insight on what to do.

  • Prompt: 5 things I do for fun

    Prompt: 5 things I do for fun

    List five things you do for fun.

    So I figured I’d do the prompt today., because why not change it up a little.

    1. I like to get into a subject and research it exhaustively when it catches my attention, usually because it’s something I want to buy and want to make sure I’m making the right purchase.
    2. I love driving my cars. There are times where I just need to get out and go for a drive to clear my head, or because I’m in the mood, and not just because I need to go out and buy something. They’re more than just something to get me to different places, they’re something that’s fun and can take me places as a bonus!
    3. Most media, aside from TV shows and movies, are big obsessions of mine. Music can boost the mood, good or bad, reading can relax the soul and teach us things we never knew, or simply gives us fantasies to indulge in, and video games do the same for fantasies while also challenging us to do things in them that take practice and skill, from finding treasures to fighting foes.
    4. I love sleeping. There are some days where I just can’t get enough and want to spend the whole day in bed. Of course, life keeps us busy, so that sort of leisure is rare, but when it happens, it’s glorious.
    5. I like trying new foods out. In our world, food is more than just something to survive by, but to enrich our happiness and our taste buds. While writing this, I’m eating a couple of donuts from Yellow Light, a donut and coffee shop inside Michigan Central, and they’re some of the best donuts I’ve had in forever, so when I come here, I snag a half-dozen. They didn’t have their red velvet today, which was a bummer, but everything’s tasted wonderful anyway.

    A runner up for fun because it’s infrequent but still fun is decorating/redecorating/refreshing one’s space. It’s never a good thing to get too comfy with where you habitate, and it IS a good thing to take time to tidy at the very least, but also to change things around and freshen up the atmosphere in your daily life. Thank you Marie Kondo for teaching me about the value of one’s surroundings.

    Sometimes the definition of “fun” is what you make of it. Another person could easily do five different and equally entertaining pastimes for this list and it might leave us with a few more ideas to try out later on. Do you do something that you personally find fun that’s different from others’ opinions? If something seems interesting to you, try it! No harm done if it’s not your thing in the end.

  • A Letter to my Brother

    So it’s almost 2:30, I forgot my sleep meds, and I’ve got an active mind. It’s hyperfocused on a couple of different subjects, one with a positive swing and one with a negative. Guess which subject I’m going for.

    Quick backstory – me and my brother had a talk back in the fall about things concerning life, politics, my sexuality, and so on. My brother is a hardcore conservative, so anything I said was dismissed as me being a “lib”. I’ve had it in mind to respond to him for awhile now, and I figure this is an exercise to put my mind to rest and to decide how to respond to him, a reason you’ll see why in this body of text.

    “Hi Jody,

    By now you’ve either seen me off or Sandy saw me instead and gave this to you along with Chief and let you know your power washer’s back too. I decided to write you this letter because it’s the best way I know how to communicate my ideas and feelings.

    When we talked last fall, there were a lot of things said between us, more from you to me than me to you, partly by design. I’m not the type to take confrontation very well, and I had a lot of hard truths to confront when it came to you versus me. I’ve had plenty of time to consider my words and play them out in my head. This is the end product of those mock conversations I’ve had.

    Before I start, I want to say thank you for being honest with me about how you felt about things, because it makes it easier for me to respond properly.

    So. I’ve come to the conclusion that you have no place in my life. The things I learned about you disappointed me greatly and left me with a bad taste in my mouth because I learned my brother is a hardline conservative who believes in things that are heinous and outright ridiculous. Conspiracy theories peddled by gross and disgusting humans that seek to divide our country in two. White supremacist talk tracks that are nothing less than hatred for anyone else that isn’t like the creators of said tracks.

    I see and hear things day in and day out sometimes that really make me question the country and the world, and to have someone blood-related be on the side that is causing all the dissension and horrors I witness is a reality I can’t abide in.

    I know you believe yourself a religious man. I have no belief that this is what God and Jesus want from Their people on this Earth.

    To be frank, it’s hypocritical for you to judge me because of who I am (the plank) when you have a worldview that I despise (a whole dang tree) and that is not a reality I feel I have any need to expose myself to.

    Let’s be clear on one thing. I don’t hate you. I DO hate what you believe. That will never change, and I won’t waste my breath trying to change what you are because unlike me, you’ve made your choice and you have no desire to change. Fact is, you’ve been this way for so long, I don’t think there is a way you could find to change.

    I won’t say this was easy for me to write, because you are family, but I still find it easier than I expected because we’re not close. Maybe that’s a loss, maybe that’s a shame, but then considering what I know now, I’d say some heartache was saved. Let’s be real, you and dad were always closest. You loved mom too, but dad was the king. I was always closer to your kids because of our ages, while our age difference kept us from getting close.

    If there is one time I can remember we hung out just for a bit, it was a ride in your car down the road after it had been painted. I doubt you remember it, but I do, vaguely in ways, but still I do.

    We may see each other again sometime down the road. I can’t say as I, perhaps actively, will do my best to avoid it if at all possible. Maybe if you still want the end tables and the coffee table. That’s up to you.

    I do hope that you find peace with the world, whatever that may look like. As for this letter, I imagine you will either keep it and read it a time or two more, you might just throw it into the fireplace. The latter would feel fitting in a way.

    Take care.

    Matt”

  • 2026 Outlook, Part One (?)

    2026 Outlook, Part One (?)

    A couple of days ago I made a lengthy chain of messages on Bluesky and realized I should share it here, with some extra nuance and insight here and there. So, without further ado…

    I was waiting for John to come back from a meeting so we could head out to have a late lunch/early dinner. While I’d been waiting, I’d been reading The Great Money Reset some more and it got me thinking of my money situation. There are things I have to consider and account for with my plans over the next few months/years.

    Firstly, the house. I’ve decided to sell it of course, and I’m going to do so regardless of my siblings’ feelings about it, even though I can understand where they’re coming from. My brother observed it could have been sold and the money split up between us (he’s the analytical type who tends to be less emotional), while my sister has this belief that I’ll not own anything after I sell it and I won’t have another house based on her feelings about my past mistakes. Like I said, I understand their feelings, but I’m not going to be swayed by them for one simple fact – I know what’s best for me, and this wasn’t the best for me because I wasn’t ready for living on my own, especially with my own state of being that caused me to make the mistakes I made.

    The difference between now and the next few years is that I’ve got the freedom to learn about how to take care of myself and manage money, all with my own personal support system that can gently urge me to do other things if I’m heading the wrong way. When 2029 comes around, I’ll be ready to try again and have better success than I have this time.

    The other part I’ve been thinking about is getting gainful employment and how to make a career of it, particularly in the sense of school and learning things that are essential to being a successful adult.

    Back in ‘24, I attempted to go to school to learn about Cybersecurity, starting with CompTIA A+ training. I made choices that hindered my attempt, and didn’t complete the course. I haven’t tried again for the fact that I also learned that a lot of the profession involved tedious details that would have left me feeling irritated, so that along with the rest of the choices I made for my life made it easy for me to decide not to try again.

    So where do I go from here? I’m feeling the tug to learn about auto repair. Cars have been a big part of my life since I can remember, and it feels natural that I would put myself into that trade. Only thing is, there are 2 details that give me pause, though I admit they’re probably a little silly. First, I’m self-conscious about the thought that I’ll struggle getting bolts loose on the jobs I’m given. Second, I guess I’m a little hesitant because of the greasemonkey mentality and stigma. I’ve been adverse to messiness in the past, and I don’t want to smell like grease and oil and have stained hands. Truth be told, though, I think those are things that shouldn’t stop me from trying. I should want to make good money doing something I enjoy, and I shouldn’t let those sorts of things stop me from doing the best I can. I mean, I still have the ability to get Pell Grants, and there’s Michigan Reconnect too if need be.

    So my plan at this point is to do what I can to make money and improve my daily life as much as I can before the fall, when I’ll need to shift gears and make room for school in my routine. Fact of the matter is, smells won’t make me unlovable and there’s always a way around stuck bolts. Just of failure can’t be an excuse to hold myself back and not try, either. I have to be bold for my own sake. I have to push through the fears that always kept me in place before my parents passed and was forced to deal with the outside world I wasn’t prepared for then.

    Another thing that inspired this writing was missing out on a job I thought I would be a lock for because I had past experience in it and they badly needed the help. It did a number on my outlook for a couple of days. I’ve done my best to put myself back together, and doing so has pushed me to think bigger and realize what’s needed.

    Like I’ve said in the past, I’m tired of just getting by, and I need to be bold. My fresh start means doing things I wouldn’t have done in the past. It’s fresh start in all sorts of ways, including my outlook and my methods. I can’t just be in survival mode or have “just enough”. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. I can’t be afraid of what other people will say and feel because I do things they wouldn’t do. It’s my life, not theirs. The most important thing about all of this is that I want it. I was never taught to fight for things I want, never encouraged to do the best for myself. That doesn’t work for a forward-facing path, nor does looking back and regretting what I did or didn’t do. That’s something else that I need to change this year, that the past and its circumstances, choices, and mistakes define me in the here and now. If anything, it pushes me to be a better Matt. I want success, I need confidence, and I must trust and have faith in myself to have those. It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not, because if I’m not moving forward, I’m only falling behind, and I’m still working to catch up to where I belong in life. I’ll let you know when I get there.

  • End of the Year Revalue

    So it’s the 23rd of December, thew day before I am officially 45, and I’ve been thinking about this past year, how it’s gone, the good, the bad, the expected, and the surprising. So today I’m going to take a trip down that ol’ memory lane and just kinda figure out where things went, for better or worse.

    Coming off of a tough ’24 that saw me missing a lot of work for mental health reasons, the pattern continued on until I found myself at at a threshold – either quit or be fired. My job had been rough in 2023 and it made 2024 extremely difficult to contend with, and looking back on things, I should have gotten out in 2024 and looked for another job as quick as possible. I didn’t though, and that meant I was still dealing with things in ’25, and that I did. Working for the government to a degree meant I was starting to deal with questions involving the new admin. and all the things coming down the pipeline as a result. In February I finally came to that threshold as I wasn’t making my shifts and it finally had come to a head, so rather than be fired, I took it into my own hands and left Peckham. I was relieved to finally not be dealing with the place anymore, having realized jobs involving phones were not for me, but I had no job and I was dealing with a house payment and credit card bills and other things that were already behind at that point. I had been doing DoorDash but was disillusioned with it because the tipping culture for delivery drivers is flawed and broken at best, and when your base pay is about $5 to begin with, the returns tend to be pretty lousy.

    My next choice became something that defined my whole year and how things would go.

    My partner was taking a trip overseas for a wedding, and I told him I’d watch his place while he was gone. And I did. And then I started bringing a few things over to make it feel more entertaining, like my PS5 and my Mac Mini and my spare monitor. As time went on, I realized I wanted to see how it would feel living there, and I intended it to be just for a month or so. 9 months later, I’m still here, I’ve been learning and realizing the good and the bad about my habits, views, and thought processes, where I can empower and where I can improve. It’s been a struggle to find a job that felt like the right one, but I haven’t been afraid of taking chances.

    As of yesterday, my longest tenure ended just short of 3 months, and one thing I’ve learned this year is this – NO MORE SALES JOBS. There are elements I’m just not cut out for and there are values I’m not having nourishment in that leave me feeling frustrated and useless. Despite the difficulties, OSL was a great job in the fact that folks were positive and uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes it was borderline toxic positivity though, and that was a turnoff. Combine that with circumstances beyond my control, and there was a growing disconnect with my motivation and the requirements of the job. I was having trouble making it to my shifts on time, for example. They never got upset at me about it, but I got upset at myself enough to have conflict between my desire to do right and the lack of motivation and desire. Finally I said I was putting my 2 weeks in, and that was that.

    So here we are, the day before Christmas Eve, and I’m stuck contemplating my next move. I want to find a job again as soon as possible. I had been doing Uber in my downtime, and while I would rather not do that anymore because of the costs, it’s kind of a “I have to do something” position I’m in. After the first of the year, I’m planning on getting the rest of the house tweaks done and then getting it listed and sold ASAP, and that will take care of a ton of my debt complications. Combine that with finding a job that gives $18 an hour minimum, and I’ll be in the best place I’ve been in awhile.

    Enough of the job details though, there have been good things that happened this year. There was a short trip to Chicago early on and I still have good memories of that, there’s been changes to the apartment by making it cleaner, more organized, and feeling more like a home than just a place I’m staying. I get to wake up and go to sleep with the knowledge I’m not alone and that I’m loved and supported and encouraged to make my life the best it can be, that I have someone who believes in me as a person. Unless you’ve been in a position where you have to rely on validation and do things all for the sake of others’ happiness, it’s hard to imagine the feeling of happiness when that sort of life becomes a thing of that past.

    That said, I’ve also been changing my outlook on different subjects as well, the biggest being one that came about from coming out to my sister in ’24 and my brother a few months back. Simply put, others’ opinions and values do not define me as a person. That’s all on me. My brother’s views are skewed and very right-wing, as are my sister’s, with the former wondering how I became a “lib” in a conservative household. That’s easy, I saw what I saw and heard what I heard and realized I thought, acted, and felt different, and didn’t want to be the way my family was. They made it obvious to me that their stance on the human race was bigoted, and I wasn’t going to be a part of that mentality.

    And of course this is above and beyond the fact I’m gay and I knew I would never be accepted in that sort of structure.

    The term Christianist has layers, and we’ve seen how dark they go the more the everlasting onion gets peeled, and I feel as though we’ve not seen the darkest parts yet, as ungodly dark as it’s gotten already. It’s not vanta yet, and I doubt it’ll stop at vanta.

    Anyway, this year’s goal became “Fresh Start”, and while I haven’t accomplished it yet, 2026 doesn’t mean the end of the effort by any means. I plan to post about my intentions for the year closer to New Year’s, but I’ll leave you with this for right now. I’m ready to start new adventures, have success with them, and continue to learn more about what it means to be me. I’m going to find the answers to my questions and problems, and use those answers to keep moving forward. My partner loves to use bridges as representations to life and the challenges we face everyday. It gets windy, a little slippery, and sometimes the edge is closer than you realize, but that’s why there are walls and guardrails and other things to catch you before you fall.

    May your Christmas and New Year be bright and uplifting for you.

  • Quiet times

    So it seems it’s been about a month and a half since my last post, something I didn’t intend to happen, but life has a habit of coming up and needing attention when you least expect it. So how have the last few weeks been?

    Mainly, I’ve been dealing with work for the most part, showing up for work 95% of the time, aside from days I’ve not felt like myself and when I’ve been sick, which is what I am right now. Sinuses are a mess and coughs have been an ongoing frustration, matched with a hoarse voice, and then throw in the fact that it’s been busy because of the holidays and Black Friday, and you have a struggle to deal with. I actually almost missed 2 days in a row, the first one being a half day and the second one being a full day out. Before that even became a factor, I was dealing with a lot of worrying and discomfort because I kept worrying about what people think about my work and wanting to do my best despite not having the chances and opportunities to make sales and show what I can do. I’ve overcome that thought process a great deal, though it still lingers to a degree.

    One other thing that’s popped up is trying very hard to get the house ready to sell. The painting is just about finished, but the next part is cleaning out the house and getting it looking right for folks to come in and evaluate if they want to buy it or not. I need to sell it ASAP because I need to take out the majority of the bills from it and make life easier for me and my partner.

    One bright spot is I’ve regained the ability to take care of myself by playing my games on consoles and PC. I’ve been playing WoW again, among other things, and while it’s easy to lose track of time and lose a little sleep, it’s easy to lose track of time and relax my brain and focus on something other than the stressful aspects of my life.

    So Christmas is coming in a couple of weeks, and I’ll be one year older very soon. I’m fine with my age and such, I just need to take better care of myself in general because I worry about being one of those early death stories one hears about so often these days. I have definite plans and intentions for 2026 for myself and my life, and I just need to follow through with them so I can continue getting better and growing more accustomed in my own skin and living my life more contently. My first hurdle will be the house sale. Once that goes through, I’ll be able to focus on myself and my needs with less strain and a more personal touch.

    I’ll be back with a more substantial post soon, right now I’m feeling tired and want to go lay down and rest. Be good to yourselves.

  • Wired for Worthless

    Wired for Worthless

    Song title by Citizen Soldier.

    One thing that you’ll learn about me is I like to make music references when I get into my writing, and today is no difference. Some backstory about today’s post first, though. This morning/afternoon I had a regularly scheduled talk with my therapist, Heather, and in the process of talking about my job performance and how important it is to have a boss in one’s work that you can feel comfortable and secure around, that feels supportive and positive, one that you can trust and respect, we got onto the subject about people that you can trust in general and whose opinions you can respect and understand, along with the opposite of that, too – people you can’t respect, whose opinions and views are negative – and the balance of those two types of people, the ability to handle and either accept or reject the opinions and viewpoints offered to you. My boss/DM and my partner are both people I accept and respect the opinions and feelings of, whereas my sister and, to a greater degree, my brother, have viewpoints, opinions, and feelings that I want no part of, the latter one I have lost respect for because of his extreme views. My sister has a variation of them, but we don’t talk about them very much. She might make a jab or two, but I brush them off and get back to the subject at hand. They both share the same opinions about my life, lifestyle, and sexuality, though, and that is the other big reason I have poor opinions of them.

    Taking these two groups and considering the effect they have on my life, it’s easy to see that the former have a positive effect on me and make me a stronger person in my everyday life, whereas the latter would have the equal and opposite effect on me, if I let them do as such. Here’s where we get to the point about things. Everyone has positive and negative forces in their life, and as such, having an independent mind allows you to weigh them and decide what you want to focus on more. It is important to have a free and independent mindset in your life, because in the end, only you can determine the path you take, the decisions you make, and how you decide to live your life. Speaking as someone who didn’t have a free mindset up ’til the last couple of years, if that, if you let forces that don’t have your best in mind control your thinking and your choices, you’re apt to make the wrong choices for the simple fact that they aren’t made by you. Can you make mistakes by being in control? Of course. Would you rather make your mistakes under your own control, or because someone said to do something a certain way that wasn’t based on your feelings, opinions, and viewpoints? Furthermore, do you worry about making those people disappointed, upset, or angry because you did it wrong or didn’t do it at all? If the latter is true, then it’s an unhealthy relationship and one you need to break to a degree to wrest your life out of their hands. I made choices I didn’t want to make because I didn’t want to cause dissension, I went along with what would make others comfy. I look back at some of those choices I made, and even if it’s irrelevant, I’m human and I consider the “what if” of the subject – what could have been done differently, what might have happened if I had made a different choice.

    In the end though, as I said, it’s irrelevant, because what happened happened, and the past doesn’t define our future. It had a hand in making us who we are in the now, but it doesn’t have to have the power to guide our future. I have learned that my opinions matter above all else, and I have the power to accept positive forces and reject negative forces, no matter if they’re family or not. Family has this distinction of being a special part of our life, and sometimes they believe they have a special influence in what we say or do or believe, when in reality, they are just another person in the world that can make mistakes and believe the wrong things. If they want it their way and you feel beholden to them, then what I said earlier holds true, that they don’t have your best interests in mind, no matter if they believe otherwise. Everyone’s lived life and experiences are unique, and we are not copies, not clones. We don’t have a set pattern to follow. My advice is simply this – when you feel you’ve had enough, that it is your time to shine and move away from the shadows of others you feel are holding you back, it’s time to take control of your life. Success and failure isn’t the end result, but just another part of your life, and if you make mistakes, learn from them. I’ve realized my mistakes and want to move on from them, to learn from them and do better. Control is part of that process. Perhaps that feeling of control others have exerted on you feels like a big mistake that you’ve let go on for too long and want to right that wrong. That’s when you start to rewire your brain and think differently. We live for the sake of ourselves and not others, and that when we let others into our personal bubble of trust, they should feel grateful and want to do right by you. That’s when you start to feel your worth, when you feel someone is there to support your growth and not change who you are, when you can let your guard down and have that trust, that faith. We’re only wired for worthless when others are allowed to control it. I can definitely say it’s easier said than done. Control from others can damage your self-image and confidence and leave you feeling insecure about everything you do. You question and doubt yourself at every turn sometimes, and equally, you can question, doubt, and distrust others because of the trauma that taking control can cause. Let’s be blunt – taking control means breaking the trust you have in others, no matter the trauma they’ve caused you over time. It’s instinctual, that connection to others. Could consider it a pack mentality.

    Frankly, there are lots of twists and turns and avenues to look at on this subject, but in the end, it boils down to one simple word I used earlier – trust. You can trust anybody, some, or nobody. Sometimes it’s a mix. Sometimes it’s only you. Sometimes it’s not even you. Sometimes you won’t even trust life. All you can do is try. Don’t let the past control your present and your future. Recover, grow, thrive, as you’re meant to. Don’t try to be perfect, just be you. Me, I’m not wired for worthless, I’m wired for worthiness.