My Mental Space

(It’s a little crowded in here!)

recent posts

about

An almost 45 left-bent progressive-minded fella who happens to be a wolf in his spare time, likes to read and write, enjoys music, technology, and losing himself in projects.

  • A Letter to my Brother

    So it’s almost 2:30, I forgot my sleep meds, and I’ve got an active mind. It’s hyperfocused on a couple of different subjects, one with a positive swing and one with a negative. Guess which subject I’m going for.

    Quick backstory – me and my brother had a talk back in the fall about things concerning life, politics, my sexuality, and so on. My brother is a hardcore conservative, so anything I said was dismissed as me being a “lib”. I’ve had it in mind to respond to him for awhile now, and I figure this is an exercise to put my mind to rest and to decide how to respond to him, a reason you’ll see why in this body of text.

    “Hi Jody,

    By now you’ve either seen me off or Sandy saw me instead and gave this to you along with Chief and let you know your power washer’s back too. I decided to write you this letter because it’s the best way I know how to communicate my ideas and feelings.

    When we talked last fall, there were a lot of things said between us, more from you to me than me to you, partly by design. I’m not the type to take confrontation very well, and I had a lot of hard truths to confront when it came to you versus me. I’ve had plenty of time to consider my words and play them out in my head. This is the end product of those mock conversations I’ve had.

    Before I start, I want to say thank you for being honest with me about how you felt about things, because it makes it easier for me to respond properly.

    So. I’ve come to the conclusion that you have no place in my life. The things I learned about you disappointed me greatly and left me with a bad taste in my mouth because I learned my brother is a hardline conservative who believes in things that are heinous and outright ridiculous. Conspiracy theories peddled by gross and disgusting humans that seek to divide our country in two. White supremacist talk tracks that are nothing less than hatred for anyone else that isn’t like the creators of said tracks.

    I see and hear things day in and day out sometimes that really make me question the country and the world, and to have someone blood-related be on the side that is causing all the dissension and horrors I witness is a reality I can’t abide in.

    I know you believe yourself a religious man. I have no belief that this is what God and Jesus want from Their people on this Earth.

    To be frank, it’s hypocritical for you to judge me because of who I am (the plank) when you have a worldview that I despise (a whole dang tree) and that is not a reality I feel I have any need to expose myself to.

    Let’s be clear on one thing. I don’t hate you. I DO hate what you believe. That will never change, and I won’t waste my breath trying to change what you are because unlike me, you’ve made your choice and you have no desire to change. Fact is, you’ve been this way for so long, I don’t think there is a way you could find to change.

    I won’t say this was easy for me to write, because you are family, but I still find it easier than I expected because we’re not close. Maybe that’s a loss, maybe that’s a shame, but then considering what I know now, I’d say some heartache was saved. Let’s be real, you and dad were always closest. You loved mom too, but dad was the king. I was always closer to your kids because of our ages, while our age difference kept us from getting close.

    If there is one time I can remember we hung out just for a bit, it was a ride in your car down the road after it had been painted. I doubt you remember it, but I do, vaguely in ways, but still I do.

    We may see each other again sometime down the road. I can’t say as I, perhaps actively, will do my best to avoid it if at all possible. Maybe if you still want the end tables and the coffee table. That’s up to you.

    I do hope that you find peace with the world, whatever that may look like. As for this letter, I imagine you will either keep it and read it a time or two more, you might just throw it into the fireplace. The latter would feel fitting in a way.

    Take care.

    Matt”

  • 2026 Outlook, Part One (?)

    2026 Outlook, Part One (?)

    A couple of days ago I made a lengthy chain of messages on Bluesky and realized I should share it here, with some extra nuance and insight here and there. So, without further ado…

    I was waiting for John to come back from a meeting so we could head out to have a late lunch/early dinner. While I’d been waiting, I’d been reading The Great Money Reset some more and it got me thinking of my money situation. There are things I have to consider and account for with my plans over the next few months/years.

    Firstly, the house. I’ve decided to sell it of course, and I’m going to do so regardless of my siblings’ feelings about it, even though I can understand where they’re coming from. My brother observed it could have been sold and the money split up between us (he’s the analytical type who tends to be less emotional), while my sister has this belief that I’ll not own anything after I sell it and I won’t have another house based on her feelings about my past mistakes. Like I said, I understand their feelings, but I’m not going to be swayed by them for one simple fact – I know what’s best for me, and this wasn’t the best for me because I wasn’t ready for living on my own, especially with my own state of being that caused me to make the mistakes I made.

    The difference between now and the next few years is that I’ve got the freedom to learn about how to take care of myself and manage money, all with my own personal support system that can gently urge me to do other things if I’m heading the wrong way. When 2029 comes around, I’ll be ready to try again and have better success than I have this time.

    The other part I’ve been thinking about is getting gainful employment and how to make a career of it, particularly in the sense of school and learning things that are essential to being a successful adult.

    Back in ‘24, I attempted to go to school to learn about Cybersecurity, starting with CompTIA A+ training. I made choices that hindered my attempt, and didn’t complete the course. I haven’t tried again for the fact that I also learned that a lot of the profession involved tedious details that would have left me feeling irritated, so that along with the rest of the choices I made for my life made it easy for me to decide not to try again.

    So where do I go from here? I’m feeling the tug to learn about auto repair. Cars have been a big part of my life since I can remember, and it feels natural that I would put myself into that trade. Only thing is, there are 2 details that give me pause, though I admit they’re probably a little silly. First, I’m self-conscious about the thought that I’ll struggle getting bolts loose on the jobs I’m given. Second, I guess I’m a little hesitant because of the greasemonkey mentality and stigma. I’ve been adverse to messiness in the past, and I don’t want to smell like grease and oil and have stained hands. Truth be told, though, I think those are things that shouldn’t stop me from trying. I should want to make good money doing something I enjoy, and I shouldn’t let those sorts of things stop me from doing the best I can. I mean, I still have the ability to get Pell Grants, and there’s Michigan Reconnect too if need be.

    So my plan at this point is to do what I can to make money and improve my daily life as much as I can before the fall, when I’ll need to shift gears and make room for school in my routine. Fact of the matter is, smells won’t make me unlovable and there’s always a way around stuck bolts. Just of failure can’t be an excuse to hold myself back and not try, either. I have to be bold for my own sake. I have to push through the fears that always kept me in place before my parents passed and was forced to deal with the outside world I wasn’t prepared for then.

    Another thing that inspired this writing was missing out on a job I thought I would be a lock for because I had past experience in it and they badly needed the help. It did a number on my outlook for a couple of days. I’ve done my best to put myself back together, and doing so has pushed me to think bigger and realize what’s needed.

    Like I’ve said in the past, I’m tired of just getting by, and I need to be bold. My fresh start means doing things I wouldn’t have done in the past. It’s fresh start in all sorts of ways, including my outlook and my methods. I can’t just be in survival mode or have “just enough”. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. I can’t be afraid of what other people will say and feel because I do things they wouldn’t do. It’s my life, not theirs. The most important thing about all of this is that I want it. I was never taught to fight for things I want, never encouraged to do the best for myself. That doesn’t work for a forward-facing path, nor does looking back and regretting what I did or didn’t do. That’s something else that I need to change this year, that the past and its circumstances, choices, and mistakes define me in the here and now. If anything, it pushes me to be a better Matt. I want success, I need confidence, and I must trust and have faith in myself to have those. It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not, because if I’m not moving forward, I’m only falling behind, and I’m still working to catch up to where I belong in life. I’ll let you know when I get there.

  • End of the Year Revalue

    So it’s the 23rd of December, thew day before I am officially 45, and I’ve been thinking about this past year, how it’s gone, the good, the bad, the expected, and the surprising. So today I’m going to take a trip down that ol’ memory lane and just kinda figure out where things went, for better or worse.

    Coming off of a tough ’24 that saw me missing a lot of work for mental health reasons, the pattern continued on until I found myself at at a threshold – either quit or be fired. My job had been rough in 2023 and it made 2024 extremely difficult to contend with, and looking back on things, I should have gotten out in 2024 and looked for another job as quick as possible. I didn’t though, and that meant I was still dealing with things in ’25, and that I did. Working for the government to a degree meant I was starting to deal with questions involving the new admin. and all the things coming down the pipeline as a result. In February I finally came to that threshold as I wasn’t making my shifts and it finally had come to a head, so rather than be fired, I took it into my own hands and left Peckham. I was relieved to finally not be dealing with the place anymore, having realized jobs involving phones were not for me, but I had no job and I was dealing with a house payment and credit card bills and other things that were already behind at that point. I had been doing DoorDash but was disillusioned with it because the tipping culture for delivery drivers is flawed and broken at best, and when your base pay is about $5 to begin with, the returns tend to be pretty lousy.

    My next choice became something that defined my whole year and how things would go.

    My partner was taking a trip overseas for a wedding, and I told him I’d watch his place while he was gone. And I did. And then I started bringing a few things over to make it feel more entertaining, like my PS5 and my Mac Mini and my spare monitor. As time went on, I realized I wanted to see how it would feel living there, and I intended it to be just for a month or so. 9 months later, I’m still here, I’ve been learning and realizing the good and the bad about my habits, views, and thought processes, where I can empower and where I can improve. It’s been a struggle to find a job that felt like the right one, but I haven’t been afraid of taking chances.

    As of yesterday, my longest tenure ended just short of 3 months, and one thing I’ve learned this year is this – NO MORE SALES JOBS. There are elements I’m just not cut out for and there are values I’m not having nourishment in that leave me feeling frustrated and useless. Despite the difficulties, OSL was a great job in the fact that folks were positive and uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes it was borderline toxic positivity though, and that was a turnoff. Combine that with circumstances beyond my control, and there was a growing disconnect with my motivation and the requirements of the job. I was having trouble making it to my shifts on time, for example. They never got upset at me about it, but I got upset at myself enough to have conflict between my desire to do right and the lack of motivation and desire. Finally I said I was putting my 2 weeks in, and that was that.

    So here we are, the day before Christmas Eve, and I’m stuck contemplating my next move. I want to find a job again as soon as possible. I had been doing Uber in my downtime, and while I would rather not do that anymore because of the costs, it’s kind of a “I have to do something” position I’m in. After the first of the year, I’m planning on getting the rest of the house tweaks done and then getting it listed and sold ASAP, and that will take care of a ton of my debt complications. Combine that with finding a job that gives $18 an hour minimum, and I’ll be in the best place I’ve been in awhile.

    Enough of the job details though, there have been good things that happened this year. There was a short trip to Chicago early on and I still have good memories of that, there’s been changes to the apartment by making it cleaner, more organized, and feeling more like a home than just a place I’m staying. I get to wake up and go to sleep with the knowledge I’m not alone and that I’m loved and supported and encouraged to make my life the best it can be, that I have someone who believes in me as a person. Unless you’ve been in a position where you have to rely on validation and do things all for the sake of others’ happiness, it’s hard to imagine the feeling of happiness when that sort of life becomes a thing of that past.

    That said, I’ve also been changing my outlook on different subjects as well, the biggest being one that came about from coming out to my sister in ’24 and my brother a few months back. Simply put, others’ opinions and values do not define me as a person. That’s all on me. My brother’s views are skewed and very right-wing, as are my sister’s, with the former wondering how I became a “lib” in a conservative household. That’s easy, I saw what I saw and heard what I heard and realized I thought, acted, and felt different, and didn’t want to be the way my family was. They made it obvious to me that their stance on the human race was bigoted, and I wasn’t going to be a part of that mentality.

    And of course this is above and beyond the fact I’m gay and I knew I would never be accepted in that sort of structure.

    The term Christianist has layers, and we’ve seen how dark they go the more the everlasting onion gets peeled, and I feel as though we’ve not seen the darkest parts yet, as ungodly dark as it’s gotten already. It’s not vanta yet, and I doubt it’ll stop at vanta.

    Anyway, this year’s goal became “Fresh Start”, and while I haven’t accomplished it yet, 2026 doesn’t mean the end of the effort by any means. I plan to post about my intentions for the year closer to New Year’s, but I’ll leave you with this for right now. I’m ready to start new adventures, have success with them, and continue to learn more about what it means to be me. I’m going to find the answers to my questions and problems, and use those answers to keep moving forward. My partner loves to use bridges as representations to life and the challenges we face everyday. It gets windy, a little slippery, and sometimes the edge is closer than you realize, but that’s why there are walls and guardrails and other things to catch you before you fall.

    May your Christmas and New Year be bright and uplifting for you.

  • Quiet times

    So it seems it’s been about a month and a half since my last post, something I didn’t intend to happen, but life has a habit of coming up and needing attention when you least expect it. So how have the last few weeks been?

    Mainly, I’ve been dealing with work for the most part, showing up for work 95% of the time, aside from days I’ve not felt like myself and when I’ve been sick, which is what I am right now. Sinuses are a mess and coughs have been an ongoing frustration, matched with a hoarse voice, and then throw in the fact that it’s been busy because of the holidays and Black Friday, and you have a struggle to deal with. I actually almost missed 2 days in a row, the first one being a half day and the second one being a full day out. Before that even became a factor, I was dealing with a lot of worrying and discomfort because I kept worrying about what people think about my work and wanting to do my best despite not having the chances and opportunities to make sales and show what I can do. I’ve overcome that thought process a great deal, though it still lingers to a degree.

    One other thing that’s popped up is trying very hard to get the house ready to sell. The painting is just about finished, but the next part is cleaning out the house and getting it looking right for folks to come in and evaluate if they want to buy it or not. I need to sell it ASAP because I need to take out the majority of the bills from it and make life easier for me and my partner.

    One bright spot is I’ve regained the ability to take care of myself by playing my games on consoles and PC. I’ve been playing WoW again, among other things, and while it’s easy to lose track of time and lose a little sleep, it’s easy to lose track of time and relax my brain and focus on something other than the stressful aspects of my life.

    So Christmas is coming in a couple of weeks, and I’ll be one year older very soon. I’m fine with my age and such, I just need to take better care of myself in general because I worry about being one of those early death stories one hears about so often these days. I have definite plans and intentions for 2026 for myself and my life, and I just need to follow through with them so I can continue getting better and growing more accustomed in my own skin and living my life more contently. My first hurdle will be the house sale. Once that goes through, I’ll be able to focus on myself and my needs with less strain and a more personal touch.

    I’ll be back with a more substantial post soon, right now I’m feeling tired and want to go lay down and rest. Be good to yourselves.

  • Wired for Worthless

    Wired for Worthless

    Song title by Citizen Soldier.

    One thing that you’ll learn about me is I like to make music references when I get into my writing, and today is no difference. Some backstory about today’s post first, though. This morning/afternoon I had a regularly scheduled talk with my therapist, Heather, and in the process of talking about my job performance and how important it is to have a boss in one’s work that you can feel comfortable and secure around, that feels supportive and positive, one that you can trust and respect, we got onto the subject about people that you can trust in general and whose opinions you can respect and understand, along with the opposite of that, too – people you can’t respect, whose opinions and views are negative – and the balance of those two types of people, the ability to handle and either accept or reject the opinions and viewpoints offered to you. My boss/DM and my partner are both people I accept and respect the opinions and feelings of, whereas my sister and, to a greater degree, my brother, have viewpoints, opinions, and feelings that I want no part of, the latter one I have lost respect for because of his extreme views. My sister has a variation of them, but we don’t talk about them very much. She might make a jab or two, but I brush them off and get back to the subject at hand. They both share the same opinions about my life, lifestyle, and sexuality, though, and that is the other big reason I have poor opinions of them.

    Taking these two groups and considering the effect they have on my life, it’s easy to see that the former have a positive effect on me and make me a stronger person in my everyday life, whereas the latter would have the equal and opposite effect on me, if I let them do as such. Here’s where we get to the point about things. Everyone has positive and negative forces in their life, and as such, having an independent mind allows you to weigh them and decide what you want to focus on more. It is important to have a free and independent mindset in your life, because in the end, only you can determine the path you take, the decisions you make, and how you decide to live your life. Speaking as someone who didn’t have a free mindset up ’til the last couple of years, if that, if you let forces that don’t have your best in mind control your thinking and your choices, you’re apt to make the wrong choices for the simple fact that they aren’t made by you. Can you make mistakes by being in control? Of course. Would you rather make your mistakes under your own control, or because someone said to do something a certain way that wasn’t based on your feelings, opinions, and viewpoints? Furthermore, do you worry about making those people disappointed, upset, or angry because you did it wrong or didn’t do it at all? If the latter is true, then it’s an unhealthy relationship and one you need to break to a degree to wrest your life out of their hands. I made choices I didn’t want to make because I didn’t want to cause dissension, I went along with what would make others comfy. I look back at some of those choices I made, and even if it’s irrelevant, I’m human and I consider the “what if” of the subject – what could have been done differently, what might have happened if I had made a different choice.

    In the end though, as I said, it’s irrelevant, because what happened happened, and the past doesn’t define our future. It had a hand in making us who we are in the now, but it doesn’t have to have the power to guide our future. I have learned that my opinions matter above all else, and I have the power to accept positive forces and reject negative forces, no matter if they’re family or not. Family has this distinction of being a special part of our life, and sometimes they believe they have a special influence in what we say or do or believe, when in reality, they are just another person in the world that can make mistakes and believe the wrong things. If they want it their way and you feel beholden to them, then what I said earlier holds true, that they don’t have your best interests in mind, no matter if they believe otherwise. Everyone’s lived life and experiences are unique, and we are not copies, not clones. We don’t have a set pattern to follow. My advice is simply this – when you feel you’ve had enough, that it is your time to shine and move away from the shadows of others you feel are holding you back, it’s time to take control of your life. Success and failure isn’t the end result, but just another part of your life, and if you make mistakes, learn from them. I’ve realized my mistakes and want to move on from them, to learn from them and do better. Control is part of that process. Perhaps that feeling of control others have exerted on you feels like a big mistake that you’ve let go on for too long and want to right that wrong. That’s when you start to rewire your brain and think differently. We live for the sake of ourselves and not others, and that when we let others into our personal bubble of trust, they should feel grateful and want to do right by you. That’s when you start to feel your worth, when you feel someone is there to support your growth and not change who you are, when you can let your guard down and have that trust, that faith. We’re only wired for worthless when others are allowed to control it. I can definitely say it’s easier said than done. Control from others can damage your self-image and confidence and leave you feeling insecure about everything you do. You question and doubt yourself at every turn sometimes, and equally, you can question, doubt, and distrust others because of the trauma that taking control can cause. Let’s be blunt – taking control means breaking the trust you have in others, no matter the trauma they’ve caused you over time. It’s instinctual, that connection to others. Could consider it a pack mentality.

    Frankly, there are lots of twists and turns and avenues to look at on this subject, but in the end, it boils down to one simple word I used earlier – trust. You can trust anybody, some, or nobody. Sometimes it’s a mix. Sometimes it’s only you. Sometimes it’s not even you. Sometimes you won’t even trust life. All you can do is try. Don’t let the past control your present and your future. Recover, grow, thrive, as you’re meant to. Don’t try to be perfect, just be you. Me, I’m not wired for worthless, I’m wired for worthiness.

  • The Inevitable Age

    The Inevitable Age

    So the topic of age came up on Bluesky a few minutes ago and it got me thinking about the effect it has on others’ outlooks and aspirations. Some folks welcome it because it’s just a natural part of life, while others dread it for one reason or another. Loss of youth, be it energy or perspective, loss of opportunities, even confusion about the world around us. It’s not easy growing up, growing older. You may be comfortable in your 20 or 30 year old skin, but what about 40, 50? In my case, I’m fine with almost being 45, but at the same time there’s a feeling that I got on with life late, that I was held back(this is a future subject to get into), and that I’m working to make up for lost time now. It makes things fun because I’m experiencing a lot of new feelings and ideas and experiences in a short time, but there’s also a sense of urgency. Hearing about folks losing their lives at a “young” age makes a guy like me feel nervous, like “what if I’m next?” It’s a paranoia but it’s also an awareness. That’s another reason I’m trying to get these ideas out of my head and into script. I want to share what I’m feeling, and I want to let folks know they’re not alone. When you get to a certain age, there’s a focus on things that should matter and I know I’m zeroing in on them especially. A steady job and income, a house I can call mine, a stable relationship, and experiencing the world beyond my everyday territory. A close friend mentioned me visiting Seattle, and the thought has me all jazzed. I would love to go there again. I want to go to California, Toronto, Japan, the UK, Germany… I have sights to experience and people to see. That all takes money. A house takes money. I’ve never worked a really long-lasting job in my life because they never seemed to fit me, or I never seemed to fit them, plus there were things I needed to handle in my life that never allowed me to be picky and choosy about what direction I took. Now I’m feeling the need to be more conscientious about that because I can’t keep doing throwaway jobs that don’t pay enough, don’t give me enough hours, and so on.

    To give a little background on things in my life, if you’re just getting to know me and my life in general, most of my adult life has been spent living with my parents with the goal of placation. For many years, I didn’t have the right of free will, it was a luxury I partook in when I got out of the house and did things that I enjoyed, mostly visiting friends and going to conventions. My parents, particularly my dad, were always afraid I’d get out and get in trouble and do things they wouldn’t approve of or get into a situation I couldn’t get out of. I actually left home for a month in 2001, and they believed I was taken against my will. Mind you, I was 20 years old, and I made the choice. In 2009, I nearly left home again to move in with friends in WI, and to this day, I wonder what life would have been like had I not gone back home after being made to feel guilty for my choice, not that I want to choose a different path now that I’m with the most important person in my life. I just wonder if I would have been more successful, had an easier time, and been more confident in myself. But we’ll never know, for the simple fact that I am here, in the now, in the moment.

    People like to talk, people like to write things, about the different age groups, the different divisions, such as Gen X, Millenials, Z, and let’s not forget the Greatest Generation. Technically, I’m a Millenial, but I’m so dang close to being an X’er too. It’s no secret that each generation has their good and bad points, though I won’t try delving into them because I’m not as well-informed as others on the subject, and even the well-informed work with opinions rather than facts more than not, the most common one being that each generation sees the next as lazy or backward, and the feeling is usually mutual as well. The common factor in everything though is age, and with age comes lived experience, live knowledge. You ever wonder how much personal experience is lost when someone passes on? Those unique lived experiences that could teach others how to be or to not be. Probably one of the biggest reasons this technology-driven age is so important is that we can pass on our knowledge for free. Not all knowledge is good knowledge, of course, and sometimes you can know too much, but still, it’s better to know things that we’d otherwise have missed because we didn’t have the means to learn about it.

    As for me in this moment, I decided to take my time and write about the subject of age because a furry picture inspired me to do so. Back years ago, mature folks weren’t the commonality in the fandom, but in the last 10 years, there’s been an explosion of the intermingling of age groups, and it’s my personal belief that it’s happened because there are many furs like me that have been growing older and have come to realize that youth isn’t forever, and with this progression of age comes looking back and thinking about things, considering their roots, and wanting to take advantage of the time they have in the time that is now. Others, also like me, delve into various fantasies based in the desire to have had an elder to look up to and learn about themselves and life from. A fact that’s been pointed out repeatedly is a lack of elders, in the fandom and in the gay lifestyle(because we all know furry is rooted in many variations of sexuality and relationships), the reason being the AIDS epidemic that we’re finally making strides in for a cure, or at the least much more manageable. Many folks have died over the last 40-ish years, and 9 out of 10 were LGBTQ, the majority being men especially in the first few years. Just imagine if those folks hadn’t passed on from the disease. Think of the leaders, think of the elders, think of how different our rights situation could have been, think of the positives that weren’t meant to be. Fact is, we don’t know just how those factors would have turned out, but if AIDS hadn’t happened, just imagine the difference it would have made. The point to this tangent, is that the current round of LGBTQ folks in their teens and twenties need elders to talk and look up to. Right now, my generation, folks my age, older than, and less than, have a chance to be able to steady to the boat and chart a course to the future. We are the present, they are the future. Don’t take the chance for granted.

    In closing, I just have this to say. Live your life the way you can be the most proud of, from the humble everyday goings-on to the inspiring and meaningful. Don’t let others steer your course, that is your task and your joy to have in life.

    And then Pandora throws me a line that fits all too well though I was over the song years ago. “We’ve come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby. I have to praise you like I should.”

  • First Post; An Introduction.

    Hello there! I decided to make a blog on WordPress today because I find I have a lot to say and never have enough time with my therapist to say it all, and talking about things never works out unless you’re making a podcast, and I realized I don’t have time for that.

    So what is this all about? First and foremost, it’s about my brain and what I’m working to organize in it, and sharing the misadventures there as well. It’s also about my daily life, my viewpoints, my experiences with life and how it shapes me and who I am.

    So let’s start that introduction shall we? My name’s Matt, I’m also known as RJ in fandom circles, I’m 44 going on 45, I’m gay and in a long-term relationship with my partner of 6 years. I am a furry as well, primarily a wolf with some side forays into being a buck or snow leopard(snep) as my online avatar. You’ll probably experience things of that nature here, among other things that make me who I am.

    My hobbies involve collecting and displaying memorabilia and things like media(books, video games, movies, vinyl), I love various types of music, from rock and hard rock and metal to Chillhop, EDM and trance, ambient… the list goes on. I drive German cars, mainly Audi, because they seem to be the ones that end up falling into my lap. I like reading manga and sci-fi/fantasy such as Jujutsu Kaisen and a re-reading of Initial D, also TJ Klune, because gay werewolves. I have gained a love for coffee shops and eating things that aren’t the typical fare as well. Heck, I’m writing this post from a place called Apothecary. They make amazing drinks and have a partnership with Zingerman’s, a state institution, especially in Ann Arbor.

    Currently I’m in the process of prepping my house for sale and making a more permanent move to the Detroit suburbs(God I have a lot of stuff), re-establishing myself in the workforce, and paying off a mountain of debt because of bad mental health practices(retail therapy is a bad idea, yo). I’m also working to read through my backlog of overdue library books. I’m on The Great Money Reset by Jill Schlesinger, with my next targets being Swordheart by T. Kingfisher, Furiously Happy, and others I can’t recall off the top of my head.

    Like I said before, my purpose for this blog is to talk about mental health and the things I’ve struggled with and learned about myself for the past year and a half or so. For example, did you know that in 2023, people were calling into the National Passport Information Center, or NPIC, by the thousands, daily, during Peak Season in the summer? I was working that job that year, and it had a profoundly negative effect on my outlook and my working habits that I’m still trying to overcome. I tend to say it gave me PTSD because of how it was every day. I started calling into work and skipping shifts, my productivity plummeted, and for all of 2024 I struggled to bring myself back to consistency in that job when, thank you hindsight, I should have quit that job and started fresh. I didn’t because I thought I could work past it eventually, and because I didn’t want people in my family to react negatively for leaving a job they viewed as perfect for me. I was stubborn with a side of avoidant, and by the end, I was damaged goods. I’ve been trying to find a job that fit my needs and my skills, but most times they’ve said “we’re going with other candidates”, which does a number on the mental health itself, I tell you.

    2025 hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned a lot about myself in the time it’s taken me to get to mid-October. I’m here and I’m still fighting, and I will make it to the other side, or as my partner likes to say, he’s building a dragon bridge to help me get to the other side, and honestly, I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. And I will definitely get to the other side.

    So this is my first post. I hope that by this time next year, things will be deeper on the side of positive.