My Mental Space

Song title by Citizen Soldier.

One thing that you’ll learn about me is I like to make music references when I get into my writing, and today is no difference. Some backstory about today’s post first, though. This morning/afternoon I had a regularly scheduled talk with my therapist, Heather, and in the process of talking about my job performance and how important it is to have a boss in one’s work that you can feel comfortable and secure around, that feels supportive and positive, one that you can trust and respect, we got onto the subject about people that you can trust in general and whose opinions you can respect and understand, along with the opposite of that, too – people you can’t respect, whose opinions and views are negative – and the balance of those two types of people, the ability to handle and either accept or reject the opinions and viewpoints offered to you. My boss/DM and my partner are both people I accept and respect the opinions and feelings of, whereas my sister and, to a greater degree, my brother, have viewpoints, opinions, and feelings that I want no part of, the latter one I have lost respect for because of his extreme views. My sister has a variation of them, but we don’t talk about them very much. She might make a jab or two, but I brush them off and get back to the subject at hand. They both share the same opinions about my life, lifestyle, and sexuality, though, and that is the other big reason I have poor opinions of them.

Taking these two groups and considering the effect they have on my life, it’s easy to see that the former have a positive effect on me and make me a stronger person in my everyday life, whereas the latter would have the equal and opposite effect on me, if I let them do as such. Here’s where we get to the point about things. Everyone has positive and negative forces in their life, and as such, having an independent mind allows you to weigh them and decide what you want to focus on more. It is important to have a free and independent mindset in your life, because in the end, only you can determine the path you take, the decisions you make, and how you decide to live your life. Speaking as someone who didn’t have a free mindset up ’til the last couple of years, if that, if you let forces that don’t have your best in mind control your thinking and your choices, you’re apt to make the wrong choices for the simple fact that they aren’t made by you. Can you make mistakes by being in control? Of course. Would you rather make your mistakes under your own control, or because someone said to do something a certain way that wasn’t based on your feelings, opinions, and viewpoints? Furthermore, do you worry about making those people disappointed, upset, or angry because you did it wrong or didn’t do it at all? If the latter is true, then it’s an unhealthy relationship and one you need to break to a degree to wrest your life out of their hands. I made choices I didn’t want to make because I didn’t want to cause dissension, I went along with what would make others comfy. I look back at some of those choices I made, and even if it’s irrelevant, I’m human and I consider the “what if” of the subject – what could have been done differently, what might have happened if I had made a different choice.

In the end though, as I said, it’s irrelevant, because what happened happened, and the past doesn’t define our future. It had a hand in making us who we are in the now, but it doesn’t have to have the power to guide our future. I have learned that my opinions matter above all else, and I have the power to accept positive forces and reject negative forces, no matter if they’re family or not. Family has this distinction of being a special part of our life, and sometimes they believe they have a special influence in what we say or do or believe, when in reality, they are just another person in the world that can make mistakes and believe the wrong things. If they want it their way and you feel beholden to them, then what I said earlier holds true, that they don’t have your best interests in mind, no matter if they believe otherwise. Everyone’s lived life and experiences are unique, and we are not copies, not clones. We don’t have a set pattern to follow. My advice is simply this – when you feel you’ve had enough, that it is your time to shine and move away from the shadows of others you feel are holding you back, it’s time to take control of your life. Success and failure isn’t the end result, but just another part of your life, and if you make mistakes, learn from them. I’ve realized my mistakes and want to move on from them, to learn from them and do better. Control is part of that process. Perhaps that feeling of control others have exerted on you feels like a big mistake that you’ve let go on for too long and want to right that wrong. That’s when you start to rewire your brain and think differently. We live for the sake of ourselves and not others, and that when we let others into our personal bubble of trust, they should feel grateful and want to do right by you. That’s when you start to feel your worth, when you feel someone is there to support your growth and not change who you are, when you can let your guard down and have that trust, that faith. We’re only wired for worthless when others are allowed to control it. I can definitely say it’s easier said than done. Control from others can damage your self-image and confidence and leave you feeling insecure about everything you do. You question and doubt yourself at every turn sometimes, and equally, you can question, doubt, and distrust others because of the trauma that taking control can cause. Let’s be blunt – taking control means breaking the trust you have in others, no matter the trauma they’ve caused you over time. It’s instinctual, that connection to others. Could consider it a pack mentality.

Frankly, there are lots of twists and turns and avenues to look at on this subject, but in the end, it boils down to one simple word I used earlier – trust. You can trust anybody, some, or nobody. Sometimes it’s a mix. Sometimes it’s only you. Sometimes it’s not even you. Sometimes you won’t even trust life. All you can do is try. Don’t let the past control your present and your future. Recover, grow, thrive, as you’re meant to. Don’t try to be perfect, just be you. Me, I’m not wired for worthless, I’m wired for worthiness.