My Mental Space

So it’s the 23rd of December, thew day before I am officially 45, and I’ve been thinking about this past year, how it’s gone, the good, the bad, the expected, and the surprising. So today I’m going to take a trip down that ol’ memory lane and just kinda figure out where things went, for better or worse.

Coming off of a tough ’24 that saw me missing a lot of work for mental health reasons, the pattern continued on until I found myself at at a threshold – either quit or be fired. My job had been rough in 2023 and it made 2024 extremely difficult to contend with, and looking back on things, I should have gotten out in 2024 and looked for another job as quick as possible. I didn’t though, and that meant I was still dealing with things in ’25, and that I did. Working for the government to a degree meant I was starting to deal with questions involving the new admin. and all the things coming down the pipeline as a result. In February I finally came to that threshold as I wasn’t making my shifts and it finally had come to a head, so rather than be fired, I took it into my own hands and left Peckham. I was relieved to finally not be dealing with the place anymore, having realized jobs involving phones were not for me, but I had no job and I was dealing with a house payment and credit card bills and other things that were already behind at that point. I had been doing DoorDash but was disillusioned with it because the tipping culture for delivery drivers is flawed and broken at best, and when your base pay is about $5 to begin with, the returns tend to be pretty lousy.

My next choice became something that defined my whole year and how things would go.

My partner was taking a trip overseas for a wedding, and I told him I’d watch his place while he was gone. And I did. And then I started bringing a few things over to make it feel more entertaining, like my PS5 and my Mac Mini and my spare monitor. As time went on, I realized I wanted to see how it would feel living there, and I intended it to be just for a month or so. 9 months later, I’m still here, I’ve been learning and realizing the good and the bad about my habits, views, and thought processes, where I can empower and where I can improve. It’s been a struggle to find a job that felt like the right one, but I haven’t been afraid of taking chances.

As of yesterday, my longest tenure ended just short of 3 months, and one thing I’ve learned this year is this – NO MORE SALES JOBS. There are elements I’m just not cut out for and there are values I’m not having nourishment in that leave me feeling frustrated and useless. Despite the difficulties, OSL was a great job in the fact that folks were positive and uplifting and encouraging. Sometimes it was borderline toxic positivity though, and that was a turnoff. Combine that with circumstances beyond my control, and there was a growing disconnect with my motivation and the requirements of the job. I was having trouble making it to my shifts on time, for example. They never got upset at me about it, but I got upset at myself enough to have conflict between my desire to do right and the lack of motivation and desire. Finally I said I was putting my 2 weeks in, and that was that.

So here we are, the day before Christmas Eve, and I’m stuck contemplating my next move. I want to find a job again as soon as possible. I had been doing Uber in my downtime, and while I would rather not do that anymore because of the costs, it’s kind of a “I have to do something” position I’m in. After the first of the year, I’m planning on getting the rest of the house tweaks done and then getting it listed and sold ASAP, and that will take care of a ton of my debt complications. Combine that with finding a job that gives $18 an hour minimum, and I’ll be in the best place I’ve been in awhile.

Enough of the job details though, there have been good things that happened this year. There was a short trip to Chicago early on and I still have good memories of that, there’s been changes to the apartment by making it cleaner, more organized, and feeling more like a home than just a place I’m staying. I get to wake up and go to sleep with the knowledge I’m not alone and that I’m loved and supported and encouraged to make my life the best it can be, that I have someone who believes in me as a person. Unless you’ve been in a position where you have to rely on validation and do things all for the sake of others’ happiness, it’s hard to imagine the feeling of happiness when that sort of life becomes a thing of that past.

That said, I’ve also been changing my outlook on different subjects as well, the biggest being one that came about from coming out to my sister in ’24 and my brother a few months back. Simply put, others’ opinions and values do not define me as a person. That’s all on me. My brother’s views are skewed and very right-wing, as are my sister’s, with the former wondering how I became a “lib” in a conservative household. That’s easy, I saw what I saw and heard what I heard and realized I thought, acted, and felt different, and didn’t want to be the way my family was. They made it obvious to me that their stance on the human race was bigoted, and I wasn’t going to be a part of that mentality.

And of course this is above and beyond the fact I’m gay and I knew I would never be accepted in that sort of structure.

The term Christianist has layers, and we’ve seen how dark they go the more the everlasting onion gets peeled, and I feel as though we’ve not seen the darkest parts yet, as ungodly dark as it’s gotten already. It’s not vanta yet, and I doubt it’ll stop at vanta.

Anyway, this year’s goal became “Fresh Start”, and while I haven’t accomplished it yet, 2026 doesn’t mean the end of the effort by any means. I plan to post about my intentions for the year closer to New Year’s, but I’ll leave you with this for right now. I’m ready to start new adventures, have success with them, and continue to learn more about what it means to be me. I’m going to find the answers to my questions and problems, and use those answers to keep moving forward. My partner loves to use bridges as representations to life and the challenges we face everyday. It gets windy, a little slippery, and sometimes the edge is closer than you realize, but that’s why there are walls and guardrails and other things to catch you before you fall.

May your Christmas and New Year be bright and uplifting for you.