My Mental Space

A couple of days ago I made a lengthy chain of messages on Bluesky and realized I should share it here, with some extra nuance and insight here and there. So, without further ado…

I was waiting for John to come back from a meeting so we could head out to have a late lunch/early dinner. While I’d been waiting, I’d been reading The Great Money Reset some more and it got me thinking of my money situation. There are things I have to consider and account for with my plans over the next few months/years.

Firstly, the house. I’ve decided to sell it of course, and I’m going to do so regardless of my siblings’ feelings about it, even though I can understand where they’re coming from. My brother observed it could have been sold and the money split up between us (he’s the analytical type who tends to be less emotional), while my sister has this belief that I’ll not own anything after I sell it and I won’t have another house based on her feelings about my past mistakes. Like I said, I understand their feelings, but I’m not going to be swayed by them for one simple fact – I know what’s best for me, and this wasn’t the best for me because I wasn’t ready for living on my own, especially with my own state of being that caused me to make the mistakes I made.

The difference between now and the next few years is that I’ve got the freedom to learn about how to take care of myself and manage money, all with my own personal support system that can gently urge me to do other things if I’m heading the wrong way. When 2029 comes around, I’ll be ready to try again and have better success than I have this time.

The other part I’ve been thinking about is getting gainful employment and how to make a career of it, particularly in the sense of school and learning things that are essential to being a successful adult.

Back in ‘24, I attempted to go to school to learn about Cybersecurity, starting with CompTIA A+ training. I made choices that hindered my attempt, and didn’t complete the course. I haven’t tried again for the fact that I also learned that a lot of the profession involved tedious details that would have left me feeling irritated, so that along with the rest of the choices I made for my life made it easy for me to decide not to try again.

So where do I go from here? I’m feeling the tug to learn about auto repair. Cars have been a big part of my life since I can remember, and it feels natural that I would put myself into that trade. Only thing is, there are 2 details that give me pause, though I admit they’re probably a little silly. First, I’m self-conscious about the thought that I’ll struggle getting bolts loose on the jobs I’m given. Second, I guess I’m a little hesitant because of the greasemonkey mentality and stigma. I’ve been adverse to messiness in the past, and I don’t want to smell like grease and oil and have stained hands. Truth be told, though, I think those are things that shouldn’t stop me from trying. I should want to make good money doing something I enjoy, and I shouldn’t let those sorts of things stop me from doing the best I can. I mean, I still have the ability to get Pell Grants, and there’s Michigan Reconnect too if need be.

So my plan at this point is to do what I can to make money and improve my daily life as much as I can before the fall, when I’ll need to shift gears and make room for school in my routine. Fact of the matter is, smells won’t make me unlovable and there’s always a way around stuck bolts. Just of failure can’t be an excuse to hold myself back and not try, either. I have to be bold for my own sake. I have to push through the fears that always kept me in place before my parents passed and was forced to deal with the outside world I wasn’t prepared for then.

Another thing that inspired this writing was missing out on a job I thought I would be a lock for because I had past experience in it and they badly needed the help. It did a number on my outlook for a couple of days. I’ve done my best to put myself back together, and doing so has pushed me to think bigger and realize what’s needed.

Like I’ve said in the past, I’m tired of just getting by, and I need to be bold. My fresh start means doing things I wouldn’t have done in the past. It’s fresh start in all sorts of ways, including my outlook and my methods. I can’t just be in survival mode or have “just enough”. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. I can’t be afraid of what other people will say and feel because I do things they wouldn’t do. It’s my life, not theirs. The most important thing about all of this is that I want it. I was never taught to fight for things I want, never encouraged to do the best for myself. That doesn’t work for a forward-facing path, nor does looking back and regretting what I did or didn’t do. That’s something else that I need to change this year, that the past and its circumstances, choices, and mistakes define me in the here and now. If anything, it pushes me to be a better Matt. I want success, I need confidence, and I must trust and have faith in myself to have those. It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not, because if I’m not moving forward, I’m only falling behind, and I’m still working to catch up to where I belong in life. I’ll let you know when I get there.