My Mental Space

So it’s almost 2:30, I forgot my sleep meds, and I’ve got an active mind. It’s hyperfocused on a couple of different subjects, one with a positive swing and one with a negative. Guess which subject I’m going for.

Quick backstory – me and my brother had a talk back in the fall about things concerning life, politics, my sexuality, and so on. My brother is a hardcore conservative, so anything I said was dismissed as me being a “lib”. I’ve had it in mind to respond to him for awhile now, and I figure this is an exercise to put my mind to rest and to decide how to respond to him, a reason you’ll see why in this body of text.

“Hi Jody,

By now you’ve either seen me off or Sandy saw me instead and gave this to you along with Chief and let you know your power washer’s back too. I decided to write you this letter because it’s the best way I know how to communicate my ideas and feelings.

When we talked last fall, there were a lot of things said between us, more from you to me than me to you, partly by design. I’m not the type to take confrontation very well, and I had a lot of hard truths to confront when it came to you versus me. I’ve had plenty of time to consider my words and play them out in my head. This is the end product of those mock conversations I’ve had.

Before I start, I want to say thank you for being honest with me about how you felt about things, because it makes it easier for me to respond properly.

So. I’ve come to the conclusion that you have no place in my life. The things I learned about you disappointed me greatly and left me with a bad taste in my mouth because I learned my brother is a hardline conservative who believes in things that are heinous and outright ridiculous. Conspiracy theories peddled by gross and disgusting humans that seek to divide our country in two. White supremacist talk tracks that are nothing less than hatred for anyone else that isn’t like the creators of said tracks.

I see and hear things day in and day out sometimes that really make me question the country and the world, and to have someone blood-related be on the side that is causing all the dissension and horrors I witness is a reality I can’t abide in.

I know you believe yourself a religious man. I have no belief that this is what God and Jesus want from Their people on this Earth.

To be frank, it’s hypocritical for you to judge me because of who I am (the plank) when you have a worldview that I despise (a whole dang tree) and that is not a reality I feel I have any need to expose myself to.

Let’s be clear on one thing. I don’t hate you. I DO hate what you believe. That will never change, and I won’t waste my breath trying to change what you are because unlike me, you’ve made your choice and you have no desire to change. Fact is, you’ve been this way for so long, I don’t think there is a way you could find to change.

I won’t say this was easy for me to write, because you are family, but I still find it easier than I expected because we’re not close. Maybe that’s a loss, maybe that’s a shame, but then considering what I know now, I’d say some heartache was saved. Let’s be real, you and dad were always closest. You loved mom too, but dad was the king. I was always closer to your kids because of our ages, while our age difference kept us from getting close.

If there is one time I can remember we hung out just for a bit, it was a ride in your car down the road after it had been painted. I doubt you remember it, but I do, vaguely in ways, but still I do.

We may see each other again sometime down the road. I can’t say as I, perhaps actively, will do my best to avoid it if at all possible. Maybe if you still want the end tables and the coffee table. That’s up to you.

I do hope that you find peace with the world, whatever that may look like. As for this letter, I imagine you will either keep it and read it a time or two more, you might just throw it into the fireplace. The latter would feel fitting in a way.

Take care.

Matt”