My Mental Space

As I wind down tonight, I find myself compelled to write a short-ish entry rather than change my address or apply to the local community college like I should be doing, all because I have this phrase I have stuck in my brain that I used earlier.

“I buy things to show that I matter to me.”

It’s one thing to buy for others or have things bought for you, but buying for the sake of showing love to yourself… it’s not a unique idea, and yet it’s still a surprising thought process. There are plenty of ways to tell yourself you love you, and I’m quickly reminded of my former therapist’s use of the 5 Love Languages as well when talking about this subject: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Being truthful in light of this, I haven’t been using words of affirmation in the last hour because of the subject matter and the feeling of shame that came from wanting to buy a particular something in this case – I’m looking at the new Apple Watches again. I have a Series 8 and had an original Ultra that I sold and sometimes wish I hadn’t. Being a little more honest, the shame was brought on by my partner’s questioning of the point of doing so. He doesn’t really wear watches and he tends to be unenthusiastic about current tech until he needs to replace what he has, not feeling the need to indulge in it for himself, so his lack of enthusiasm about the subject + my annoying desire for validation = a reaction of feeling shame. I plan to discuss this with him after showing him this post, because there’s no need to sneak around and say things about him when I can simply be honest. I would be right now, but with him sleeping for the moment, that’s kind of difficult.

Having been dealing with shopping addiction for the last 5-ish years plus, one could say that even plays a role in how I’m feeling. I’ve been in a dark place where I would buy stuff to make myself happy when in a dark place of its own, hence why I have crippling debt and emotional baggage. So how does one work with a situation like this, where I know how to make myself happy and want to show myself that I matter to myself when I feel like I don’t matter (or maybe I just want something, period), but could easily bring myself to a low point because of the act of spending money or making promises to pay money for the sake of the emotional high of owning something shiny and new? One possible result is an act of defiance, doing something because you have the freedom to do so, consequences and possible regrets be damned. Another possibility at times is holding back because of the shame and risking resentment for the sake of keeping up appearances. The third is one that probably won’t completely happen in this case, but deciding to be healthy and holding back for a more appropriate time combined with positivity and encouragement and praise for the choice. The outcome I most desire is the understanding for my choice and getting affirmation to make that choice, even if not completely understandable by another party involved.

Sometimes reason and being pragmatic about the whims of mental health is a waste of effort because the brain doesn’t care about what anyone thinks it should feel, it just feels what comes to mind. Sometimes you have to strong-arm it into cooperation, but more often than not, you have to compromise and find a happy medium to coexist with yourself, just like just about everything else in life. Same as it ever was, you could say. Sometimes it doesn’t give us the results we desire the most, but you end up in a place that you can say “That’ll do”.

And that’s what I’m saying for this post. That’ll do.