My Mental Space

(It’s a little crowded in here!)

recent posts

about

An almost 45 left-bent progressive-minded fella who happens to be a wolf in his spare time, likes to read and write, enjoys music, technology, and losing himself in projects.
  • Wired for Worthless

    Wired for Worthless

    Song title by Citizen Soldier.

    One thing that you’ll learn about me is I like to make music references when I get into my writing, and today is no difference. Some backstory about today’s post first, though. This morning/afternoon I had a regularly scheduled talk with my therapist, Heather, and in the process of talking about my job performance and how important it is to have a boss in one’s work that you can feel comfortable and secure around, that feels supportive and positive, one that you can trust and respect, we got onto the subject about people that you can trust in general and whose opinions you can respect and understand, along with the opposite of that, too – people you can’t respect, whose opinions and views are negative – and the balance of those two types of people, the ability to handle and either accept or reject the opinions and viewpoints offered to you. My boss/DM and my partner are both people I accept and respect the opinions and feelings of, whereas my sister and, to a greater degree, my brother, have viewpoints, opinions, and feelings that I want no part of, the latter one I have lost respect for because of his extreme views. My sister has a variation of them, but we don’t talk about them very much. She might make a jab or two, but I brush them off and get back to the subject at hand. They both share the same opinions about my life, lifestyle, and sexuality, though, and that is the other big reason I have poor opinions of them.

    Taking these two groups and considering the effect they have on my life, it’s easy to see that the former have a positive effect on me and make me a stronger person in my everyday life, whereas the latter would have the equal and opposite effect on me, if I let them do as such. Here’s where we get to the point about things. Everyone has positive and negative forces in their life, and as such, having an independent mind allows you to weigh them and decide what you want to focus on more. It is important to have a free and independent mindset in your life, because in the end, only you can determine the path you take, the decisions you make, and how you decide to live your life. Speaking as someone who didn’t have a free mindset up ’til the last couple of years, if that, if you let forces that don’t have your best in mind control your thinking and your choices, you’re apt to make the wrong choices for the simple fact that they aren’t made by you. Can you make mistakes by being in control? Of course. Would you rather make your mistakes under your own control, or because someone said to do something a certain way that wasn’t based on your feelings, opinions, and viewpoints? Furthermore, do you worry about making those people disappointed, upset, or angry because you did it wrong or didn’t do it at all? If the latter is true, then it’s an unhealthy relationship and one you need to break to a degree to wrest your life out of their hands. I made choices I didn’t want to make because I didn’t want to cause dissension, I went along with what would make others comfy. I look back at some of those choices I made, and even if it’s irrelevant, I’m human and I consider the “what if” of the subject – what could have been done differently, what might have happened if I had made a different choice.

    In the end though, as I said, it’s irrelevant, because what happened happened, and the past doesn’t define our future. It had a hand in making us who we are in the now, but it doesn’t have to have the power to guide our future. I have learned that my opinions matter above all else, and I have the power to accept positive forces and reject negative forces, no matter if they’re family or not. Family has this distinction of being a special part of our life, and sometimes they believe they have a special influence in what we say or do or believe, when in reality, they are just another person in the world that can make mistakes and believe the wrong things. If they want it their way and you feel beholden to them, then what I said earlier holds true, that they don’t have your best interests in mind, no matter if they believe otherwise. Everyone’s lived life and experiences are unique, and we are not copies, not clones. We don’t have a set pattern to follow. My advice is simply this – when you feel you’ve had enough, that it is your time to shine and move away from the shadows of others you feel are holding you back, it’s time to take control of your life. Success and failure isn’t the end result, but just another part of your life, and if you make mistakes, learn from them. I’ve realized my mistakes and want to move on from them, to learn from them and do better. Control is part of that process. Perhaps that feeling of control others have exerted on you feels like a big mistake that you’ve let go on for too long and want to right that wrong. That’s when you start to rewire your brain and think differently. We live for the sake of ourselves and not others, and that when we let others into our personal bubble of trust, they should feel grateful and want to do right by you. That’s when you start to feel your worth, when you feel someone is there to support your growth and not change who you are, when you can let your guard down and have that trust, that faith. We’re only wired for worthless when others are allowed to control it. I can definitely say it’s easier said than done. Control from others can damage your self-image and confidence and leave you feeling insecure about everything you do. You question and doubt yourself at every turn sometimes, and equally, you can question, doubt, and distrust others because of the trauma that taking control can cause. Let’s be blunt – taking control means breaking the trust you have in others, no matter the trauma they’ve caused you over time. It’s instinctual, that connection to others. Could consider it a pack mentality.

    Frankly, there are lots of twists and turns and avenues to look at on this subject, but in the end, it boils down to one simple word I used earlier – trust. You can trust anybody, some, or nobody. Sometimes it’s a mix. Sometimes it’s only you. Sometimes it’s not even you. Sometimes you won’t even trust life. All you can do is try. Don’t let the past control your present and your future. Recover, grow, thrive, as you’re meant to. Don’t try to be perfect, just be you. Me, I’m not wired for worthless, I’m wired for worthiness.

  • The Inevitable Age

    The Inevitable Age

    So the topic of age came up on Bluesky a few minutes ago and it got me thinking about the effect it has on others’ outlooks and aspirations. Some folks welcome it because it’s just a natural part of life, while others dread it for one reason or another. Loss of youth, be it energy or perspective, loss of opportunities, even confusion about the world around us. It’s not easy growing up, growing older. You may be comfortable in your 20 or 30 year old skin, but what about 40, 50? In my case, I’m fine with almost being 45, but at the same time there’s a feeling that I got on with life late, that I was held back(this is a future subject to get into), and that I’m working to make up for lost time now. It makes things fun because I’m experiencing a lot of new feelings and ideas and experiences in a short time, but there’s also a sense of urgency. Hearing about folks losing their lives at a “young” age makes a guy like me feel nervous, like “what if I’m next?” It’s a paranoia but it’s also an awareness. That’s another reason I’m trying to get these ideas out of my head and into script. I want to share what I’m feeling, and I want to let folks know they’re not alone. When you get to a certain age, there’s a focus on things that should matter and I know I’m zeroing in on them especially. A steady job and income, a house I can call mine, a stable relationship, and experiencing the world beyond my everyday territory. A close friend mentioned me visiting Seattle, and the thought has me all jazzed. I would love to go there again. I want to go to California, Toronto, Japan, the UK, Germany… I have sights to experience and people to see. That all takes money. A house takes money. I’ve never worked a really long-lasting job in my life because they never seemed to fit me, or I never seemed to fit them, plus there were things I needed to handle in my life that never allowed me to be picky and choosy about what direction I took. Now I’m feeling the need to be more conscientious about that because I can’t keep doing throwaway jobs that don’t pay enough, don’t give me enough hours, and so on.

    To give a little background on things in my life, if you’re just getting to know me and my life in general, most of my adult life has been spent living with my parents with the goal of placation. For many years, I didn’t have the right of free will, it was a luxury I partook in when I got out of the house and did things that I enjoyed, mostly visiting friends and going to conventions. My parents, particularly my dad, were always afraid I’d get out and get in trouble and do things they wouldn’t approve of or get into a situation I couldn’t get out of. I actually left home for a month in 2001, and they believed I was taken against my will. Mind you, I was 20 years old, and I made the choice. In 2009, I nearly left home again to move in with friends in WI, and to this day, I wonder what life would have been like had I not gone back home after being made to feel guilty for my choice, not that I want to choose a different path now that I’m with the most important person in my life. I just wonder if I would have been more successful, had an easier time, and been more confident in myself. But we’ll never know, for the simple fact that I am here, in the now, in the moment.

    People like to talk, people like to write things, about the different age groups, the different divisions, such as Gen X, Millenials, Z, and let’s not forget the Greatest Generation. Technically, I’m a Millenial, but I’m so dang close to being an X’er too. It’s no secret that each generation has their good and bad points, though I won’t try delving into them because I’m not as well-informed as others on the subject, and even the well-informed work with opinions rather than facts more than not, the most common one being that each generation sees the next as lazy or backward, and the feeling is usually mutual as well. The common factor in everything though is age, and with age comes lived experience, live knowledge. You ever wonder how much personal experience is lost when someone passes on? Those unique lived experiences that could teach others how to be or to not be. Probably one of the biggest reasons this technology-driven age is so important is that we can pass on our knowledge for free. Not all knowledge is good knowledge, of course, and sometimes you can know too much, but still, it’s better to know things that we’d otherwise have missed because we didn’t have the means to learn about it.

    As for me in this moment, I decided to take my time and write about the subject of age because a furry picture inspired me to do so. Back years ago, mature folks weren’t the commonality in the fandom, but in the last 10 years, there’s been an explosion of the intermingling of age groups, and it’s my personal belief that it’s happened because there are many furs like me that have been growing older and have come to realize that youth isn’t forever, and with this progression of age comes looking back and thinking about things, considering their roots, and wanting to take advantage of the time they have in the time that is now. Others, also like me, delve into various fantasies based in the desire to have had an elder to look up to and learn about themselves and life from. A fact that’s been pointed out repeatedly is a lack of elders, in the fandom and in the gay lifestyle(because we all know furry is rooted in many variations of sexuality and relationships), the reason being the AIDS epidemic that we’re finally making strides in for a cure, or at the least much more manageable. Many folks have died over the last 40-ish years, and 9 out of 10 were LGBTQ, the majority being men especially in the first few years. Just imagine if those folks hadn’t passed on from the disease. Think of the leaders, think of the elders, think of how different our rights situation could have been, think of the positives that weren’t meant to be. Fact is, we don’t know just how those factors would have turned out, but if AIDS hadn’t happened, just imagine the difference it would have made. The point to this tangent, is that the current round of LGBTQ folks in their teens and twenties need elders to talk and look up to. Right now, my generation, folks my age, older than, and less than, have a chance to be able to steady to the boat and chart a course to the future. We are the present, they are the future. Don’t take the chance for granted.

    In closing, I just have this to say. Live your life the way you can be the most proud of, from the humble everyday goings-on to the inspiring and meaningful. Don’t let others steer your course, that is your task and your joy to have in life.

    And then Pandora throws me a line that fits all too well though I was over the song years ago. “We’ve come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good. I have to celebrate you baby. I have to praise you like I should.”

  • First Post; An Introduction.

    Hello there! I decided to make a blog on WordPress today because I find I have a lot to say and never have enough time with my therapist to say it all, and talking about things never works out unless you’re making a podcast, and I realized I don’t have time for that.

    So what is this all about? First and foremost, it’s about my brain and what I’m working to organize in it, and sharing the misadventures there as well. It’s also about my daily life, my viewpoints, my experiences with life and how it shapes me and who I am.

    So let’s start that introduction shall we? My name’s Matt, I’m also known as RJ in fandom circles, I’m 44 going on 45, I’m gay and in a long-term relationship with my partner of 6 years. I am a furry as well, primarily a wolf with some side forays into being a buck or snow leopard(snep) as my online avatar. You’ll probably experience things of that nature here, among other things that make me who I am.

    My hobbies involve collecting and displaying memorabilia and things like media(books, video games, movies, vinyl), I love various types of music, from rock and hard rock and metal to Chillhop, EDM and trance, ambient… the list goes on. I drive German cars, mainly Audi, because they seem to be the ones that end up falling into my lap. I like reading manga and sci-fi/fantasy such as Jujutsu Kaisen and a re-reading of Initial D, also TJ Klune, because gay werewolves. I have gained a love for coffee shops and eating things that aren’t the typical fare as well. Heck, I’m writing this post from a place called Apothecary. They make amazing drinks and have a partnership with Zingerman’s, a state institution, especially in Ann Arbor.

    Currently I’m in the process of prepping my house for sale and making a more permanent move to the Detroit suburbs(God I have a lot of stuff), re-establishing myself in the workforce, and paying off a mountain of debt because of bad mental health practices(retail therapy is a bad idea, yo). I’m also working to read through my backlog of overdue library books. I’m on The Great Money Reset by Jill Schlesinger, with my next targets being Swordheart by T. Kingfisher, Furiously Happy, and others I can’t recall off the top of my head.

    Like I said before, my purpose for this blog is to talk about mental health and the things I’ve struggled with and learned about myself for the past year and a half or so. For example, did you know that in 2023, people were calling into the National Passport Information Center, or NPIC, by the thousands, daily, during Peak Season in the summer? I was working that job that year, and it had a profoundly negative effect on my outlook and my working habits that I’m still trying to overcome. I tend to say it gave me PTSD because of how it was every day. I started calling into work and skipping shifts, my productivity plummeted, and for all of 2024 I struggled to bring myself back to consistency in that job when, thank you hindsight, I should have quit that job and started fresh. I didn’t because I thought I could work past it eventually, and because I didn’t want people in my family to react negatively for leaving a job they viewed as perfect for me. I was stubborn with a side of avoidant, and by the end, I was damaged goods. I’ve been trying to find a job that fit my needs and my skills, but most times they’ve said “we’re going with other candidates”, which does a number on the mental health itself, I tell you.

    2025 hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned a lot about myself in the time it’s taken me to get to mid-October. I’m here and I’m still fighting, and I will make it to the other side, or as my partner likes to say, he’s building a dragon bridge to help me get to the other side, and honestly, I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. And I will definitely get to the other side.

    So this is my first post. I hope that by this time next year, things will be deeper on the side of positive.