So my old space here is going to probably go away in a day or two and any new posts are going onto rjtremor.com
My Mental Space
(It’s a little crowded in here!)
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Yesterday I had a call from a screener for one job and an interview at another. I went into the day hoping something would work out between the two, as I usually do, though it never happens.
Well, it happened yesterday.
The screen call went well and I’m waiting to see if they contact me again, but if they don’t, it’s fine, because the other job hired me, same-day. I have orientation on Thursday, and I have no worries about the background check (naturally). It’s not the pay I was hoping for when looking for a job, but it’s full time, which means benefits, it’s a cashier position so I know it well, and the GM definitely could tell I was looking for something long-term and that I was hungry for success, which impressed him it seems. He acted like he wasn’t sure about adding me as a full-timer, but then he asked a lady that runs the front area and she wasn’t sure if they had a full time person already. That “settled” it shall we say, and he gave me the job. Needless to say, I spent the day working on my budget sheets and worked out a plan for taking care of my bills while staying on the positive side of things. The outlook looks good, the mood has swung further upwards, and I can’t wait to get started! I won’t be working earlier than 8am and later than 8pm, which gives me some time to enjoy the evenings. I expect I’ll be working some weekends of course, which is fine. Me and John will find ways to have our together time, and I’ll make time for working out as well.
Things are positive right now, and I’ll be doing my best to keep it that way. I’m not going to keep myself on guard for everything because that’s a slice of paranoia I don’t need to be. I have to believe in the process, and especially in myself. I can do this, and I am DOING this. I have today and tomorrow to get things done that I want to do so I can feel like I’m satisfied with how I used my free time. I’m done eating for right now, I have leftovers for later, I’m going to the car wash to clean my car up and out, and I have more things to clean at the apartment, particularly boxes that just keep adding up because they’re a good size for packing things when moving, but they’re just taking up so much space it’s gotten maddening. Luckily there is still some storage space left to put them all into.
On that note, I will say I look forward to cleaning out my storage units and putting other parts of my life back together. I have plenty of stuff to make our next place comfy, and I want to get to the point I can make use of it all. Shelves, a recliner, couch, my desk, and the dining room table, among other things. Truth be told, I realized a few days ago that I still think of our apartment as his because I was walking through with my shoes still on, something he doesn’t do, and I felt like I was doing something bad to his space in the process. It’s our shared space, but he was there first, so that makes it his by default in my brain. I want a space we’ve chosen, furnished, and decorated together, then it’ll feel more like home to me. My stuff is in this apartment already, it just feels a lot like I’ve encroached on his territory. Sharing a small apartment takes some balancing between our respective belongings, and I feel like I’ve taken things over a good bit, though I’ve also provided things he hasn’t enjoyed before, like my record player.
And suddenly I’ve decided to divulge the plans we have for next year, so long as all goes well.
By the way I’ve been talking, it’s obvious we need more space, and need a space to call ours, rightfully and respectively, so the plan is, by the beginning of spring, we’re going to rent a house either in Farmington Hills or Madison Heights, one that has at least 2 bedrooms and a basement. I’m personally hoping for around 1500 square feet of size because, obviously, we’ve got a lot of stuff, and then there’s the fact we’re planning to bring our friend Alex to Michigan so he can have a fresh start in his own life, and while he won’t be bringing a mountain of stuff, we still need space for him to feel included in the goings-on of everyday life. Location is also key because he’s huge into the One Piece TCG, so he’ll want to get to card shops, which means he’ll need to have public transportation options when me and John aren’t home, and then there’s him having a job to get to and come home from. I admit I’m personally rattling the idea of him working at my job around in my head as a possibility.
Things are going to be very different next year, especially by this time next year. I’ll make sure to check in and do a comparison between the two when the 15th rolls around. Hopefully I’ll have lots of good things to share. As for today, John will be home soon after a memorial service in PA, I still have lots of cleaning to do in and on my car and at the apartment. Hopefully the power will be back on before he gets back. Hoping you all have a great Tuesday!
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Indeed, distractions. Heh. I’ve been meaning to come back to this for the last 6 months(!) but life has kept me busy in a lot of ways. And of course I do this without checking my laptop battery and find it’s down to around 10%, so this won’t be a super long post, but I guess I should bring y’all up to speed.
I did sell the house in the end, it was for what I wanted. Bills got paid, pressure went away for awhile, and since then my mood has been worlds better. Not perfect, but still much much better than what I was dealing with. I still have ups and downs, but the feeling that I’m no longer simply in a survival state is a very wonderful feeling.
A couple of fun things that have been happening in the last few months though have helped keep my mood extra regular and positive; Warcraft has become something of a pastime for me again, and I’ve also been very in-depth with my finances, with a little help from Claude to set up the tables and organize the information, which has been helping me to work out a game plan for upgrading my car and making it a lot more fun to drive and own. I’d like to get the project done by fall of ’27, or by the Dream Cruise, more accurately. I’ve added a couple of software tunes, an intake, and rims and tires. It drives so nice right now and it feels good to finally get serious about something I’ve wanted to do for years to a car.
The hard part is still haunting me though – getting a job and being able to hold onto it. I was taking photos of cars for a time, and while many said that it was a job made for me, there was one thing that kept it from being my job – high-paced quotas. I almost made it to the bare minimum once. I also did make mistakes at times that frustrated folks, but when I made it to the highest point I could manage, I realized that I couldn’t keep the pace they expected of me and it took all the fight out of me. The nail in the coffin was the massive heatwave that hit near the end of June that was oppressive for weeks on end. I realized I couldn’t handle it and turned in my resignation. Irony is, after that, we started having issues with our AC, which ended up with us getting a new unit and the office having to get new lines run to support the workload. “Amusingly”, it started and ended with our downstairs neighbors. I feel bad for them but it was as it was.
Right now, things are feeling rather tight, but both me and my partner are doing our best to stay strong. He’s making a habit of going to the gym, and I’m trying to get that habit going for myself as well. I have 2 meetings involving jobs tomorrow though they aren’t involving the field I’ve been striving for, becoming a Pharmacy tech. I’m still going to try my best for that, but I’ll take what I can get for a job at the moment. John wants me to go back to school, and so do I, but I want to do so without being under duress by life. I want it to feel natural, not out of a sort of desperation.
So my battery’s almost to the dregs, so I need to wrap this up. I’ll try to make this more of a habit again. I’ll probably be moving the blog to a new address though, if at all possible, as the .org version encourages making your own version of a page, and John has website hosting abilities, so why not do things to start being serious about this too.
Life has a lot of darkness to deal with around us, but we can be lights that make things less gloomy for ourselves and the others around us. Shining is better anyway. We aren’t made to be shadows.
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Hello folks,
I’ve been wanting to do some writing here for awhile now, but life has kept me busy. Thankfully, that’s over now in a big way and now I can focus on things like here again, which is interesting for the fact of the topic. I’ve been thinking about distractions and the things we do that cause them, but that started to snowball into a lot of other tangents (And you KNOW how I veer into those), so I’m going to get into all that in another post, but for now, the short story is, I spent time finishing up my house and getting it ready to sell, listed it, and sold it with a CASH offer. I’m still waiting for the effects to hit my credit score and such after paying off outstanding bills and such, plus that thing about not having a mortgage anymore too. Heh. So yeah, things are feeling a lot brighter now over on this side of the screen, and there is always more progress to be had, SO let’s just keep it going.
Have a smile from Snuffles. Best Christmas gift ever, given with love.
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This might end up being a long post, but it’s something that’s been forming in my mind the last couple of days because of how my brain has played out, processing everything. So here I go, listening to 80’s music and up past my bedtime for the second night in a row, though certainly not as bad as last night/this morning. Heh.
Let’s start with this weekend, and blend it all together. There was a convention in town, and I admit I wasn’t sure what to expect because cons for me used to be much different than they are now. Used to, the fandom was much smaller, and a lot more close-knit, not unlike a small town where folks just generally knew everyone to a degree. I made this comparison to describe it to John. Back in the 2000s, you could walk around a con and you’d constantly run into people who were known in general or folks that you knew from just being present online. This was in the days of LiveJournal and before the time of Twitter. These days, you could call it a big city atmosphere. There are a LOT more people present, and it’s less of a know-everyone environment, but more of a find-your-tribe/pack/circle deal. Depending on the con, this can work well. It’s certainly a factor in your chosen community, if you’re fortunate and flexible to be able to do that. For the majority, you have to work with what cards you’re given. I say all of this because this past weekend, I realized a simple truth – a circle joined by circumstances is not necessarily your circle. John introduced me to a great group of people of great diversity, and it’s enjoyable to hear of their ventures and experiences in their lives, but I realized that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a puzzle piece that fits in the overall picture. They live interesting lives, have hobbies and interests, they have income, they have lived experiences unique to them. With some consideration, my interests don’t generally mesh with theirs. They’re generally not gamers, not collectors, not car enthusiasts, and not folks dealing with complicated mental situations. We’re all unique geeks, but rather than join by virtue of like-mindedness, I ended up with them by virtue of who I know, by osmosis. They’re not a found family, but more like semi-distant relatives. I spent a lot of my time listening while poking at my phone rather than actively joining in as a result, especially on the last day. That, on top of the fact I missed out on the con in places while trying to fit in, left me feeling somewhat empty.
And if that isn’t enough, I was feeling frustrated that I didn’t have any real money to spend at the con and buy things that caught my eye. I was also exhausted a lot of the time as well, despite sleeping really well (at least, I think I did). Topping it off though, John was leaving Monday morning for a family trip, which meant I would be alone with my feelings for however long it took me to get over them. I wasn’t looking forward to the coming days.
Monday came, John got on his flight, and me and a friend I had brought went back to Lansing to take them back home. We spent the day together, which I was very glad for. Circumstances kept them from experiencing the con in a proper way, between anxiety and me being their “support animal” in my mind, but we made the most of Monday. We hung out, browsed, talked, until I dropped them off at the end and headed back home. I got to bed early that night if I recall right. Tuesday came and I kept feeling lower as the day went on. With some help from John, I was able to get ahold of my therapist and laid it all out for her. She’s a Godsend, to be frank, because she had the right words, understood the situation, and put things in focus in ways I needed to hear and understand.
In a nutshell, I’ve grown aware of myself and my needs on a greater level. A lot of what I’ve already shared makes up a good part of it, a sense of wanting to belong and wanting to have friends that fit my needs, ideas, and values. Those feelings stretch further though, especially into the category of employment and how I’ve been living my life the last 5 years. One way to describe things that I’ve been toying with is simply this – I’m having a puberty process involving those needs and values. I’m learning what it means to have real friends, a real job, and real responsibility, and if they don’t fit the structure I’ve built for myself, there are obviously going to be issues. I need friends that I can relate to, I need a job that I can feel emotionally rewarded in and not just work for a paycheck (it might not make sense to some folks, but for me, my sense of service and wanting to be useful comes first and a paycheck comes second), and I need goals & focuses that aren’t just thrust onto me, but mindfully chosen and pursued for the greater good and growth.
I’ve always lived my life for the sake of others and the comfort of their needs. That plays into my values, but the value itself will take on new meaning from here on out. I’ve chosen others over myself in the past and it left me with regrets and unanswered questions of what could have been. My mentality has always been on survival of some sort. When mom passed and I was left with the house and the bills and the responsibilities overall, I wasn’t ready. I only did what I assumed was best for the sake of survival. Better paying jobs that were full time and readily available, even if they weren’t in my interests, for example. I fought the odds as much as I could until I got the house in my name and could refinance. I made it to that point in ’23, in the midst of a struggle to keep it together personally. Debts were paid and I was free of that pressure, but I was drowning in stress from work, so I made choices I would come to regret, again for the sake of survival. I put myself back into debt in due time by buying things to prop myself up and feel better. It didn’t last, I was still living alone, and I was still taking psychic damage from the job situation. I was calling in constantly, I was using FMLA, I was avoiding one kind of stress and causing another along with compounding guilt in multiple ways.
’25 came, and with it the breaking point. I quit my job I should have left long before but stubbornly kept trying to exist in. From that point on, I’ve been trying my best to rebuild myself and my life. Choices like moving in with John, prepping the house to sell, trying my hand at different jobs, all once again for the sake of survival. I’ve had a lot of support along the way from John and close friends and my therapist. Eventually though, I’ve come to realize that rebuilding my life couldn’t be done by keeping old pieces, habits, instincts. I want to move on from what got me to this point and exemplify my Fresh Start phrase.
Yesterday was one year from when I left my job in Lansing and inadvertently started the process of my Fresh Start. This week, the house will finally be listed and John will be home. I need to properly renew my search for a job. I need to stop putting off the choice of community college. I’m going to appreciate my friends in a deeper way from this point on. I have to be grounded and mindful in my priorities and my choices. I have to foster growth, belief, and trust in myself, or else it’ll just be more mindless survival.
I actually compared survival to a job, it’s the only one I’ve not quit yet, and I’ve had it for years. Monday, I’m done. I can do so much better for myself, and I will.
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This is an easy answer for me and one I was contemplating because of the weekend and such.
Mountain Dew has never had a bad flavor in my opinion. I try special flavors anytime I see them, no matter what, because it’s Mountain Dew and I want to experience what they came out with. My fixation has been Baja Midnight from Taco Bell. Being purple, I assume it’s a grape drink, and being completely honest, I loathe grape stuff. I like wines, and I like grapes themselves, but grape pop is soooo not tasty. I also got to try one other flavor while at an IHOP/Applebee’s in downtown Detroit, a dark green Mountain Dew that was originally pictured blue. So good! Friends joked it looked radioactive.
Like I mentioned in my other prompt answer, food and drink is meant to bring us happiness, no matter the form. Some folks like it healthy, some like it deep-fried, some like it a little of both (deep-fried sushi? Big time weakness). Never be ashamed to be happy.
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As I wind down tonight, I find myself compelled to write a short-ish entry rather than change my address or apply to the local community college like I should be doing, all because I have this phrase I have stuck in my brain that I used earlier.
“I buy things to show that I matter to me.”
It’s one thing to buy for others or have things bought for you, but buying for the sake of showing love to yourself… it’s not a unique idea, and yet it’s still a surprising thought process. There are plenty of ways to tell yourself you love you, and I’m quickly reminded of my former therapist’s use of the 5 Love Languages as well when talking about this subject: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Being truthful in light of this, I haven’t been using words of affirmation in the last hour because of the subject matter and the feeling of shame that came from wanting to buy a particular something in this case – I’m looking at the new Apple Watches again. I have a Series 8 and had an original Ultra that I sold and sometimes wish I hadn’t. Being a little more honest, the shame was brought on by my partner’s questioning of the point of doing so. He doesn’t really wear watches and he tends to be unenthusiastic about current tech until he needs to replace what he has, not feeling the need to indulge in it for himself, so his lack of enthusiasm about the subject + my annoying desire for validation = a reaction of feeling shame. I plan to discuss this with him after showing him this post, because there’s no need to sneak around and say things about him when I can simply be honest. I would be right now, but with him sleeping for the moment, that’s kind of difficult.
Having been dealing with shopping addiction for the last 5-ish years plus, one could say that even plays a role in how I’m feeling. I’ve been in a dark place where I would buy stuff to make myself happy when in a dark place of its own, hence why I have crippling debt and emotional baggage. So how does one work with a situation like this, where I know how to make myself happy and want to show myself that I matter to myself when I feel like I don’t matter (or maybe I just want something, period), but could easily bring myself to a low point because of the act of spending money or making promises to pay money for the sake of the emotional high of owning something shiny and new? One possible result is an act of defiance, doing something because you have the freedom to do so, consequences and possible regrets be damned. Another possibility at times is holding back because of the shame and risking resentment for the sake of keeping up appearances. The third is one that probably won’t completely happen in this case, but deciding to be healthy and holding back for a more appropriate time combined with positivity and encouragement and praise for the choice. The outcome I most desire is the understanding for my choice and getting affirmation to make that choice, even if not completely understandable by another party involved.
Sometimes reason and being pragmatic about the whims of mental health is a waste of effort because the brain doesn’t care about what anyone thinks it should feel, it just feels what comes to mind. Sometimes you have to strong-arm it into cooperation, but more often than not, you have to compromise and find a happy medium to coexist with yourself, just like just about everything else in life. Same as it ever was, you could say. Sometimes it doesn’t give us the results we desire the most, but you end up in a place that you can say “That’ll do”.
And that’s what I’m saying for this post. That’ll do.
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So this week I started a new job, at a car wash of all things, in the dead of winter when everyone’s trying to wash the salt and grime off their cars in the Midwest, and so far, it’s been going fine. I actually got out early today because of how nasty the cold is and how stacked we were when I went in for training this morning.
As my previous post suggested, I’m at Michigan Central just typing away on my keyboard and enjoying the quiet time. While I’m here, of course I’m thinking about what to write about, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t shared my academic research into places to learn at and what to learn at such places. I’ve had automotive repair in the forefront of my mind of course, but there’s one other I haven’t forgotten, and that’s being a mental health counselor/therapist. Me and my therapist got to talking about some of the details of that, and I need to go back and do some screenshots of our discussion as the idea still lingers in my head, mainly because I have an insightful, empathetic way about me, and one of the reasons I started this blog was to try and help out others who struggle with various mental impasses and questions, or just to make others thing about things in general. That being said, I’m going to see an academic advisor on Monday before I go to work to consider these avenues.
Having been thinking about such things and going to talk to advisors and counselors has been a part of the process of looking into going back to school again. I’ve visited Oakland Community College in the last week or so, I’ve seen two of their main campuses, and it’s gotten me further in the mindset that I can and need to do better for myself. I want to make time for bettering my life and earning more money in ways that benefit myself and others. One of my goals in life is to be able to make a difference in some folks’ lives, and in these cases, if I can repair their car properly and keep them safe or talk to them about trauma and difficulties they’ve had in life, I feel I’m doing a good job being a human being. As we’ve all seen these days, being one is a difficult task sometimes, what with all that’s going on. There are some great folks out there who are making a difference in the world though, and I want to help.
That said, I’ve been trying to decide when the time would be best for me to start such an endeavor. If I go with cars, I’m thinking the summer session would be a great time to start. Learning to be a therapist, on the other hand, is something I need to look into and consider with a bit more purpose, as it involves the mental nature of folks and considering their health above all else, and it takes a special sort of person to be able to handle such things. I have to know “I’m ready” before I delve into that field. There’s a certain fragility that comes with the task, both for the therapist and the one in therapy as well.
As someone who has a hard time making up his mind with decisions, this is definitely something I’ll need to discuss with John in our free time and see what he thinks about it. I know he supports me in what I do, and I know he’ll have insight on what to do.
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List five things you do for fun.
So I figured I’d do the prompt today., because why not change it up a little.
- I like to get into a subject and research it exhaustively when it catches my attention, usually because it’s something I want to buy and want to make sure I’m making the right purchase.
- I love driving my cars. There are times where I just need to get out and go for a drive to clear my head, or because I’m in the mood, and not just because I need to go out and buy something. They’re more than just something to get me to different places, they’re something that’s fun and can take me places as a bonus!
- Most media, aside from TV shows and movies, are big obsessions of mine. Music can boost the mood, good or bad, reading can relax the soul and teach us things we never knew, or simply gives us fantasies to indulge in, and video games do the same for fantasies while also challenging us to do things in them that take practice and skill, from finding treasures to fighting foes.
- I love sleeping. There are some days where I just can’t get enough and want to spend the whole day in bed. Of course, life keeps us busy, so that sort of leisure is rare, but when it happens, it’s glorious.
- I like trying new foods out. In our world, food is more than just something to survive by, but to enrich our happiness and our taste buds. While writing this, I’m eating a couple of donuts from Yellow Light, a donut and coffee shop inside Michigan Central, and they’re some of the best donuts I’ve had in forever, so when I come here, I snag a half-dozen. They didn’t have their red velvet today, which was a bummer, but everything’s tasted wonderful anyway.
A runner up for fun because it’s infrequent but still fun is decorating/redecorating/refreshing one’s space. It’s never a good thing to get too comfy with where you habitate, and it IS a good thing to take time to tidy at the very least, but also to change things around and freshen up the atmosphere in your daily life. Thank you Marie Kondo for teaching me about the value of one’s surroundings.
Sometimes the definition of “fun” is what you make of it. Another person could easily do five different and equally entertaining pastimes for this list and it might leave us with a few more ideas to try out later on. Do you do something that you personally find fun that’s different from others’ opinions? If something seems interesting to you, try it! No harm done if it’s not your thing in the end.
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So it’s almost 2:30, I forgot my sleep meds, and I’ve got an active mind. It’s hyperfocused on a couple of different subjects, one with a positive swing and one with a negative. Guess which subject I’m going for.
Quick backstory – me and my brother had a talk back in the fall about things concerning life, politics, my sexuality, and so on. My brother is a hardcore conservative, so anything I said was dismissed as me being a “lib”. I’ve had it in mind to respond to him for awhile now, and I figure this is an exercise to put my mind to rest and to decide how to respond to him, a reason you’ll see why in this body of text.
“Hi Jody,
By now you’ve either seen me off or Sandy saw me instead and gave this to you along with Chief and let you know your power washer’s back too. I decided to write you this letter because it’s the best way I know how to communicate my ideas and feelings.
When we talked last fall, there were a lot of things said between us, more from you to me than me to you, partly by design. I’m not the type to take confrontation very well, and I had a lot of hard truths to confront when it came to you versus me. I’ve had plenty of time to consider my words and play them out in my head. This is the end product of those mock conversations I’ve had.
Before I start, I want to say thank you for being honest with me about how you felt about things, because it makes it easier for me to respond properly.
So. I’ve come to the conclusion that you have no place in my life. The things I learned about you disappointed me greatly and left me with a bad taste in my mouth because I learned my brother is a hardline conservative who believes in things that are heinous and outright ridiculous. Conspiracy theories peddled by gross and disgusting humans that seek to divide our country in two. White supremacist talk tracks that are nothing less than hatred for anyone else that isn’t like the creators of said tracks.
I see and hear things day in and day out sometimes that really make me question the country and the world, and to have someone blood-related be on the side that is causing all the dissension and horrors I witness is a reality I can’t abide in.
I know you believe yourself a religious man. I have no belief that this is what God and Jesus want from Their people on this Earth.
To be frank, it’s hypocritical for you to judge me because of who I am (the plank) when you have a worldview that I despise (a whole dang tree) and that is not a reality I feel I have any need to expose myself to.
Let’s be clear on one thing. I don’t hate you. I DO hate what you believe. That will never change, and I won’t waste my breath trying to change what you are because unlike me, you’ve made your choice and you have no desire to change. Fact is, you’ve been this way for so long, I don’t think there is a way you could find to change.
I won’t say this was easy for me to write, because you are family, but I still find it easier than I expected because we’re not close. Maybe that’s a loss, maybe that’s a shame, but then considering what I know now, I’d say some heartache was saved. Let’s be real, you and dad were always closest. You loved mom too, but dad was the king. I was always closer to your kids because of our ages, while our age difference kept us from getting close.
If there is one time I can remember we hung out just for a bit, it was a ride in your car down the road after it had been painted. I doubt you remember it, but I do, vaguely in ways, but still I do.
We may see each other again sometime down the road. I can’t say as I, perhaps actively, will do my best to avoid it if at all possible. Maybe if you still want the end tables and the coffee table. That’s up to you.
I do hope that you find peace with the world, whatever that may look like. As for this letter, I imagine you will either keep it and read it a time or two more, you might just throw it into the fireplace. The latter would feel fitting in a way.
Take care.
Matt”
